Give Yourself A Handshake Cuz Everything Is Not Yet Lost

Awhile ago I was talking to one of my bosses at my daytime job. He told me that he had been in the Navy for many years and had only started working with "The Brotherhood" a couple years ago.

He said, "My wife is pretty upset with me because I've been working 70 to 80 hours per week for the last two years. She wants me at home more often."

I could relate to him because I get lectured the same way by my well-wishers about working too many hours. I said, "So why do you work so much?"

He said, "Because I.... I need to.... I have to show...." Then he sighed and said, "It's not easy being loved, Emmett."

He meant that he was trying to show everyone in the trade how amazing and invaluable his knowledge and experience was. He wanted to prove how hard he was willing to work. To prove that he always goes the extra mile. Did I mention we all called him "Spider-Monkey" because he spazzed out on a daily basis over how much work we were getting done?

I tried to give him the same advice that everyone tries to give me, "Sometimes you have to love yourself. The only pat on the back you get will probably be from you."

I think I felt just as bad for myself in that moment as he felt for himself. He only seemed to realize it as he said it. We are a couple of well-meaning but remorseful clods.

I sat down tonight to regale you all with one tale or another but ended up reading a bunch of the old posts that I wrote. I found it highly entertaining so I thought I'd take a moment to pat myself on the back. Cheers to me!

Reading for Utahns Who Think "Socialism" Is The Dirtiest Word In The English Language

It just seems like a paradox if not hypocracy.

One Love, One Heart

I was eating pancakes with a bunch of mofos and one of them was saying how another of our coworkers never comes to work anymore because his wife makes a lot of money.

I said, "It would be nice to have a sugar mama."

A big black guy at our table said, "What did you say about Obama?"

I said, "I didn't say Obama. I said Barack O'Sugarmama. Are you going to vote for that guy?"

He said, "No. I don't know."

I asked, "You're going to vote for McCain? Really?"

He said, "I don't know. I don't know much about politics."

I said, "But you don't naturally trust a black man to look out for you more than a white man?"

He said, "No. It's not a race thing. Race has nothing to do with it."

A polynesian guy said to me, "Dude, you're hella-racist."

I said, "You tell me why an Indian would trust a white guy."

A group of mexicans nodded approval at that comment.

The black guy said, "Are you a hater? You're a hater."

I looked the black guy in the eye and hollered, "Sock!" and I pretended to hit the white guy sitting next to me in the face with my fist.

I've hung out with the white guy before, but just to make sure, I said, "You know I'm half white... and my wife is white... don't you?"

I find that a good way to pass a long work shift is to mess with people. These guys didn't like me knockin' on white folks. So what have we learned?

Nothing brings people of all races together like an entry-level warehouse job.

AND

The good thing about being in the majority is that everyone has a white person they know and love.

Proud Papa

I was talking to my 5 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER...

Me: "So who do you want to be president?"

Her: "Barack Obama."

Me: "Are you sure you wouldn't rather have Barney?"

Her: "Who's Barney?"

Has anyone seen ANY McCain stickers on cars or signs in yards? I asked my wife, "Where do you think you have to go to see a McCain sign in someone's yard?"

She said, "Provo."

If You Think I'm Fake Up Wait Around Til I Take Off My Make Up

We were out looking for Halloween costumes and my wife handed me a mullet wig. I laughed and put it on. We thought it was funny but soon I took it off and put it back on the shelf.

My wife said, "You aren't going to buy it?"

I said, "No. Why do always want me to buy a mullet wig?"

She said, "I don't know. I think they are funny. You could wear it for Halloween."

I said, "I don't think so."

But the other night we were at a big box store and I saw some Andy Warhol-style "Budweiser" pajama bottoms and I finally received the full vision that she was nudging me towards. "I could wear these and no shirt with the mullet wig..." I said, "I see it now."

It would be funny but I still don't think I'll do it. If I was crazy pasty with disturbing body hair I would totally do it.

I actually think I'm a ringer for this character but nobody knows who he is so I won't do that either.

Everybody Knows, Death Creeps In Slow Till You Feel Safe In His Arms

The economic crisis is starting to hit our everyday lives. My night job asked me to stay home because they didn't have enough work for all of their workers. I told them it was fine. Most of us who work there have two jobs.

Home mortgage rates took a major jump this week and I think people are really starting to feel the pinch. One of our credit card companies sent us a letter that said, "We're lowering your credit limit $500 and even though you're still $200 beneath the NEW limit we still consider your balance to be TOO HIGH."

I told my wife that this probably means that the credit card company probably just wants to raise our payment to increase the cash they have on-hand and reduce the amount of money they have loaned out. "They're scared," I told her.

To be honest, I've noticed that rich people tend to be the most figety, jumpy, paranoid people I have ever encountered. One time we were painting for a business and there were some expensive computer servers in the next room. We made a wall of plastic, then there was the wall with a closed door, and then we made another wall of plastic on the other side of the wall and the owner of the business was still spazzing out for fear that paint particles would still magically penetrate our three barriers. I know that there is big risk with big money, but like that t-shirt says, "If you can't run with the big dogs then stay on the porch."

A guy that I work with struggles with drug problems. It is hard to watch because his current lifestyle is hanging by a thread. He goes to Narcotics Anonymous but is always on the verge of losing his wife and family, his home, etc. He complains about money all the time. He says to me, "Why do I have so many money problems. I make twice as much money as you do!"

I try to give him good financial advice. I said, "Why don't you take a month and write down every single thing that you spend money on? Then at the end of the month you can figure out where your money is going and what can be cut out from your budget."

See how my list says things like: House payment, Car Payment, Credit cards, food... and your list just says: Heroin. This may be an opportunity to cut unnecessary things from your budget.

That guy got an idea that he could sell his house and save money by buying a pre-manufactured home. He said, "There's a Modular Home lot close by... do you want to go look at them with me during break time?"

I went with him and you should have seen how happy and hopeful and joyful he became for the next few hours. At the end of the day, his mood swung down again and he started getting upset and swearing at me. I just looked at him and said, "It looks like somebody needs another trip to the Modular Home lot."

I had a different co-worker talk to me once about the price of drugs. He said, "Gas isn't the only thing that's doubled in price... you should see how much a bag of weed has gone up in the past five years."

It's hard times for everyone. Check out this old man and his grass problems:

It ain't fiction just a natural fact

I haven't been feeling strongly about anything in particular lately so I'll just tell you stories from work.

One thing about my job is that I have to do a full week of schooling every couple of months. This semester I have the highest grade in the class, which I say in a very egotistical way because it's impressive when you know I'm competing against a bunch of newby construction workers.

I actually learn a lot in the classes but the hardest material reduces to basic algebra. We were getting ready for a test with some practice questions. There is a cool kid in the class who gave up a lucrative career as the guitarist for two separate bands so he could settle down and get married. We use "Ohm's Law" a lot and for some reason the guitarist likes to make up catchy words to remember different variations of these formulas. It turns out to be more work because you end up memorizing the formulas AND the goofy words.

I told him, "I'm trying to figure out the voltage drop to run this heater... what's that formula to get the resistance?"

He said, "That's Red-P." Which means Resistance = E squared divided by Power (where E is voltage) to you and I.

A few minutes later another kid was working on the same problem and he asked me, "How do I get the resistance in this part of the problem?"

I told him, "That's where you need Red-P."

He asked, "What the hell is Red-P...?"

Without thinking, I jokingly said, "Every month a girl has a special visitor..."

And that was the exact moment the teacher walked into the room. He heard me and seemed befuddled, "You guys are supposed to be studying! What are you talking about?"

And then without waiting for an answer he said, "Hey, my friend is in med-school and she sent me a bunch of cadaver pictures... do you guys want to look that them?"

So he did a lackluster slideshow of cadaver pictures while we were studying and when he was done, he asked, "Is everyone okay... that didn't bother any of you did it?"

I said, "No. Those weren't very impressive and I don't usually get grossed out anyway. Maybe every once in a while if I see eyeball surgery on TV where the patient is awake and doctors are slicing his eyeball with a scalpel and it starts to bleed and stuff. That kind of grosses me out."

And he says, "Hey! Have I told you guys about my cornea transplants?"

I protested, "I said that I DON'T like eyeball surgery."

But he spent the next half hour giving the excrutiating details of his surgery like I hadn't said anything. If you can avoid getting a corneal transplant, I would recommend that you not go through with it. The story started with the nurse taking him to a strange room in the basement of the hospital where the door was locked from the outside. She told him she needed to give him a shot in the eye and that it was okay to scream but to try and keep his eye still. He said it felt like acid in his eye and he fell on the floor and screamed. Then she told him they needed to do that four times.

The school also likes to make a lot of money selling us lots of books about the same subject. We were studying the structure of an atom and, in regard to protons and electrons, one book said that like charges attract eachother and the other book said that like charges repel eachother. One of the kids brought this up to the teacher for discussion and I said, "If Paula Abduls lyrics are accurate then opposites attract."

I hope somebody reading this thinks that was funny because none of the burly construction dudes in my class did. Except one guy, and he thought it was so funny that he told me I got 12 bonus points for the day. But I don't know what the bonus points are for.

You're Gonna Spend the Night Outside

I thought maybe I would please my readers with a nice fluffy white kitty photo.

You Oughta Know

The LDS (mormon) Movie of the Year, "Emma Smith: My Story" was recently released on DVD and is available for immediate purchase. The movie tells the life story of Emma Smith who eventually becomes the first wife of the founding mormon prophet, Joseph Smith.

The movie stars Alanis Morissette and is built upon an impressive musical foundation. Take a look at this actual scene from the movie where Emma Smith ponders sharing her husband with another woman as God has deemed necessary:

Blew out your pilot light and made a wish

Me (singing): "I don't want to go to work today but the girl with the whip says Nay, Nay, Nay!"

My wife: "Hey! Be quiet! I don't force you to work!"

Me: "Calm down. Geez, I was kidding. Gina Carano wouldn't get mad that I said that."

My wife: "Gina Carano wouldn't put up with that. She'd beat the crap out of you. You'd be dead right now if you were married to Gina Carano."



I can think of worse ways to die.