Thursday, December 06, 2007

I Get It, I Got It, I Know It's Good

Uh oh. Nobody commented to say they didn't like the mofo stories so now all I can do is punish you by telling you more. Now you've REALLY done it.

The furniture store used to let us break as much stuff as we wanted without recourse. For the past few months they've been threatening to fire us if we break too many things. They say the program is working great and they are now saving a lot of money. To make up for all the threats and make good use of the millions of dollars they are now saving, they also give us monthly rewards. The first month they gave everyone a $25 gas card. The second month, they gave away a bunch of X-Box 360s. Three guys I know pretty well won X-Boxes. Two of them already owned an X-Box. The 18 yr old (I need to stop calling him that because he just turned 19 a little while ago) I know wants me to have an X Box so he told me he would give me the brand new X Box with two games for half the retail price. I've been wanting an X-Box and I knew this was the only way I was ever going to get one because by the time I save up $400 to buy one at the store I will realize there are things I want MORE than an X-Box.

But Before I tell you about the actual transaction, please allow me to jump to a few days prior to that: The 18 yr old came driving up to me and said, "Hey! Are you coming to the Waffle House with us tonight? Sucky Shaq has been coming with us lately and it's hilarious. He has a weird poop fetish. He always talks about how he wants a hot girl to poop on his face. He said he would pay a girl to do that so I asked him if I could just put on a wig and poop on his face for money."

I said, "Awww. I think you'd probably make a pretty cute girl if you put a wig on."

While flipping me off, he said, "I would look just like that girl from the restaurant, huh?"

I did end up going to the Waffle House that night and Sucky Shaq DID talk about girls and their brown emissions.

When I brought the 18 yr old the money for the X-Box I gave it to him during work. Later on we went out to the parking lot to move the X-Box from his car to my car. The 18 yr old said, "I've glad I've got this cash. We're all going to strip club tonight."

I said, "That's funny. When I handed you the money I was going to tell you to make sure and have all those 20s changed into 1s before you went to the strip club but it was too loud inside."

He said, "Sucky Shaq is coming with us, too."

I said, "Oh geez. Are you sure that's a good idea? He's going to be up there yelling at the girls: C'MON, SHOW ME THE PRAIRIE DOG, BABY!"

The next day I asked him if he bought himself a girlfriend. He said he gave those girls $140 but spread it out pretty evenly. I asked him if Sucky Shaq caused any problems. He said that a stripper did come over and Shaq said, "Damn girl. You're hella-fine. I want you to pee on my face."

She thought she heard him wrong and said, "What?"

He tried to repeat it, but some other mofos were already working damage control and yelled at her, "He says you have an ANGELS FACE!"

The situation was already awkward and the girl made a B-line out of there.

The bottom line is that we have an X-Box now. Now do you retards see how it pays to be nice to people, even the angry loners?

1 comment:

Native Minnow said...

Reminds me of a story one of my friends told me about a time he got in trouble at a strip club in Philadelphia.

He told one of the strippers to "show him where the brown comes out."

She left and told the bouncers.

The bouncers came and asked, "Excuse me sir, are you bothering the ladies?"

He replied, "Ladies? All I see are WHORES."

They kicked him out. He had to hide on the floor of his friend's car to keep from getting his ass kicked in the parking lot.