Tuesday, March 13, 2007

...But YOU Don't Have Dandruff!

Even when I think I'm the worst at something someone always has to outshine me. In this instance, I'm talking about FIRST IMPRESSIONS.

The other night I worked with this guy, let's call him Jackie Boy. I said, "So what's your name?" He said, "Jackie Boy." I said, "My name is Emmett." He said, "Jeremy?" I said, "No. Emmett."

And about twenty seconds later, he sees that Sucky-Shaq guy that used to play basketball with us during breaks. Jackie Boy yelled, "Hey! Sucky Shaq! Are you ready for tomorrow night?" And Sucky Shaq yelled back, "Yeah man! It's gonna be awesome!"

So I asked Jackie Boy, "You guys have big plans for tomorrow night?" He said, "Yeah. I know these girls that are into cris-tall..."

At first I thought he was talking about alcohol and for a second I thought it could possibly be a band, but then he continued, "The girls said if we got them some cris-tall they would do anything we wanted. ANYTHING."

I asked, "Are you talking about crystal meth?" Jackie Boy said, "Yeah. I gave one of the girls some coke last week and took her to bed. She went nuts! Sucky Shaq is gonna break those girls in half."

I just don't think I can compete at Jackie's level for the kick-in-the-groin first impression that he achieved. I guess I won't joke about my horrible first impressions anymore. And while I'm at it, I may as well throw in more events from that evening:

Jackie told me he was from Mexico City but mostly raised in Oklahoma City and Los Angeles. He doesn't even have an accent. He told me that he likes Utah and hopes to get married here, likely to a mexican girl but definitely not to an american girl because american girls are crazy. For instance, his last american girlfriend broke up with him and told him she never wanted to see him again... and then four months later she calls him out of the blue and tells him she wants to have sex with him. He did it. But that doesn't mean she isn't crazy. I asked him how long ago that happened and he said, "Yesterday. I took some pictures of us in action but my girlfriend took my cellphone and erased them."

And then it was funny in it's own disturbing way because he kept acting sincerely hurt about how I said Indian Reservations are pretty much ghettos and (he told me) how people are so desperate for money in Mexico that they steal from their own friends. He buys sex with hard drugs but he also groans and shakes his head at the idea of these crazy people mistreating each other out there. Ay-yi-yi.

We stopped our bumper car at a truck to unload a piece of furniture and the guy (Devin) in charge of loading that bay was checking stuff on the computer. Jackie ran over to Devin and started giving him a back rub. Devin started yelling, "What the hell are you doing?" Then Devin looked at me and said, "He's squeezing my back like tits! Here let me show you." I said, "That's okay." He said, "No, let me show you." I said, "Stay away from me." And I grabbed his wrist and threw his hand away from me but he came back and grabbed my shoulder blade anyway. He said, "See? He squeezed it just like this. Like a tit. D'you see?"

I said, "Yeah, I see. Lastnight you called me princess and pumpkin when I came by and tonight you're feeling me up. I see exactly what's going on."

At another stop, Jackie Boy bent over to pick up a box and was close to another guys nether regions. The guy grabbed Jackie's head and started bouncing it like a basketball. He had his chin up and was saying "Oh yeah, oh yeah." And Jackie freaked out and wrestled himself free. The guy told him, "Be careful. It's not a lollipop. It's a gagger."

Geez. I'd probably better stop there. It would be a full time job in itself to recount all the nasty stuff guys do and say at work. I don't call them the mofos because I like how it sounds, ya know.


Native Minnow said...

It's stories like this that keep my hope alive - if I ever get desperate enough, I'll know that I can get some love just by offering hard core drugs.

Anonymous said...

I am speechless...PsychoIntern

Anonymous said...

Emmett this blog was way too gross. It made we want to gag. You should think of us innocent sweet girls who read your blog next time. I still love you though.

Your wife

Anonymous said...

It made ME want to gag is what I meant to say. Ew! Yuck!

Your wife again

your mother said...

Yeah, you have to remember someday your mother might read your blog.