Know Your Mofo: Jeff

Jeff is one of my favorites. He's crude and crass and vulgar but something about him is endearing. Jeff is about 30. He's like a high school jock who never got over it and he still considers himself an athlete. He's the most likely of the mofos to shoot you with an airsoft gun while your walking to your car or hit you with a snowball when you're not looking. He doesn't work at the furniture store anymore but he still came and played football with us on Thanksgiving.

At first I thought he was a scumbag because all I knew about the guy is that he has endless amounts of naked pictures and sex videos of him and his 18 year old girlfriend on his cell phone. He'll show them to you if you like. So I just thought he was a perv at first.

He talks gross and I blame him that when we go to my inlaws house for dinner and my wife asks her mother something like, "where's a good place to toss my salad?" I get all worried, like, "Whoa! Did she just say that in front of her mother?" And then I remember, "Oh yeah. They're not nasty and gross like the mofos."

One time we were playing basketball and Jeff's band-aid flew off his finger revealing a nasty bloody cut. I said, "What happened to your finger Jeff?"

And he said, in all seriousness, "Me and my girlfriend were having sex on a glass table and..."

I said, "Okay, okay, okay. I get it. You don't need to finish the story." But he did let me know that her butt looked worse than his finger.

Later on, I found out more about Jeff. He had been married for a good number of years and he has two children. He thought everything was going fine and then one day his wife told him that she had met someone online and that she wanted to take the kids with her to New York to live with the guy. Just like that.

They got a divorce but he told her she couldn't take the kids to New York. He's even been with his girlfriend for a couple of years now. And I guess if taking a bunch of naked pictures of your girlfriend is the most you act out after a bad divorce then things really could be worse. Jeff is open with a lot of the details. He said he's had his car impounded because of his wife. He's filed for bankruptcy. All that.

On holiday weekends, Jeff likes to open a booth at small fairs and sell sports stuff. He says he makes a few thousand dollars in a good weekend and that it's kind of fun to get your girlfriend and camp in the booth. Even during Utah winters. He says his goal now is to do his booths to the point where he can pay cash for one of those four-door Jeep Wranglers and then get his girlfriend and his kids and go camping.

One time, I was driving on a bumper car with Chad (of Jamming with Chad fame) and Jeff yelled something derogatory at us. Chad yelled something back and topped it off by calling Jeff a queef. A few minutes later we saw Jeff again and Chad said, "I was just kidding about calling you a queef." Then he paused and said, "Do you know what a queef is?" He didn't mean it to sound patronizing but its hard to ask a mofo a question like that and not have it sound that way.

Jeff said sarcastically, "No Chad! I'm 30 f***ing years old and I have no idea what a queef is! But that reminds me of a story..."

Jeff said:

It's about the second girl I ever had sex with. I was 15 and I was working as a dishwasher at a pizza place. I remember that I was a dishwasher because one of the waitresses there was 26 and she came up to me and used this stupid line, "Hey, you can come to MY PLACE and wash MY DISHES."

I was so young and stupid that when I showed up at her place I was all like, "Okay, so where are your dishes at? Shouldn't I do your dishes?" I WAS REALLY GOING TO WASH THEM! But then we were having sex and I thought I heard her fart but I didn't know for sure. Then I heard it again and I stopped everything. The girl was like, "What's wrong?" And I asked her if she was okay. She said she was so we started again but then she started farting again and it was too much for me so I got up and left.

I probably don't write Jeff very well. Somehow he comes off as a nice guy when you meet him. Through all the crap he still seems like a kid. And I picked him first for my football team because I didn't want to have to tackle him.