Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Time To Know Your Mofo

I am picking up a lot of extra hours with the mofos and I have decided to do a know-your-mofo stretch here. Mostly so I don't forget the strange people I work with and also to illustrate how mofos operate and hint at where they come from. I frequently write about how girls are picked on but these posts will also show that girl farts stink too.

So first up is Boomhauer. I mentioned him a long time ago. He was also known at work as "effity-eff" because he swears a lot, even for a mofo. He's legendary for his swearing. The bosses were trying to describe him to someone once and they said, "He was walking up on the mezzanine saying F*** THIS AND F*** THAT and customers were walking around on the floor below him so we yelled at him Boomhauer! Shut up! and he just yelled back at us F*** YOU! and just kept right on talking."

For awhile Boomhauer was getting into MySpace but then decided he hated MySpace because when you meet girls there "all they do is come over and smoke all of your pot."

Surprisingly, Boomhauer took his furniture-moving job quite seriously. As with most jobs, most of the people at the furniture store cheat to make their stats look good. So Boomhauer learned all of those "skunk tricks" so he could out-cheat the other workers AND he worked his butt off. He was our most productive worker for a few months.

One time I asked him, "Do you ever think about the Triangle of Stability and weight distribution and all that stuff they taught us in forklift training?"

To which he answered, "F*** the Triangle of Stability, it's f***ing bullshit!" And he said it with so much conviction that you might believe that the Triangle of Stability had personally killed his parents, beat him to a pulp as a child and left him naked in the desert.

"Okay, okay. I'm sorry I talked about the Triangle."

But when I quit work at the furniture store to take another job it seemed like he started tearing up or something. I told him I was leaving and he said with a resentful sniffle, "Well I didn't come here to f***ing make friends anyway." And I think that was as emotional as he could get about it. That actually happens more than I would expect. People get upset at me for taking other jobs, BUT WHO AM I GOING TO TALK TO NOW? And I have to tell them that I can't stay at a dead end job just so we can talk.

While I was gone working a different job, Boomhauer got in a pretty good fight. The other mofos were telling me about it:

"I guess Boomhauer went to the gas station at lunch time to get something to eat. When he went to the counter to pay for his food, some little mexican woman butted in front of him in line. Nobody is sure what he said to the little lady but it is safe to assume that there was a minimum of two F-bombs involved.

But Boomhauer bought his nachos and drove back to work and the little mexican lady followed him in her car. When he got back to work, Boomhauer sat along the cement porch with a bunch of other mofos and ate his food. It was summer afterall.

He had only been eating for a second when the little mexican lady came stomping up to him and smacked his nachos up against his chest.

Is that why he was out there with his shirt off?

Yeah, because it had nacho cheese all over it.

Oh, I thought he was walking around with shirt off cuz he was trying to look like a bad ass.

The lady slapped his food out of his hand and made a mess on his shirt and told him that she had called her son and he was on his way there to kick his ass. Boomhauer said okay, took off his messy shirt and waited.

This is where the mofos give Boomhauer props because Boomhauer isn't a very big guy. He's actually on the smaller side. But what they seemed to forget is that he's 100% motherf***er. He could have gone inside to work and let security deal with the guy who wanted to kick his ass but he didn't. He paced around with his shirt off in front of the store and waited.

About ten minutes later a guy pulled up in his car. The mofos say he was twice Boomhauer's size, which is likely an exaggeration, but everyone seems to agree that the guy was pretty big. And there was no formality. No mincing of words. The guy got out of his car. The mother pointed Boomhauer out. And they fought.

In true mofo-style, none of the other mofos did anything but watch. They said he gave as good as he got. He got in a few good punches. But then the big guy got ahold of Boomhauer and started throwing him around. Parts of the fight took place on several different cars in the parking lot including one of the bosses. And while they were wrestling, Boomhauer managed to wrap his body around the dudes head and started choking him out. The mofos said it started to look like Ultimate Fighting. The big guy was on the ground and he wasn't moving much. The mofos started to worry that Boomhauer was going to strangle the guy to death so one of them finally got up and tried to pull him off. While the other mofo was trying to pull Boomhauer off, the mother and her friend came over and started kicking Boomhauer in the head. REALLY HARD. And at the same time, two more cars full of mexicans came blazing into the parking lot.

But by that time, one of the bosses had heard that people were fighting on the hood of his car and he came out and told everyone that he was calling the police and they all scattered. He didn't really call the police.

Boomhauer got up and went inside and worked the remaining six hours of his shift. Someone asked him if he was okay and the only thing anyone remembered him saying was, "This part of my head feels really fat."

I asked, "Did anyone tell him: That's what's known as a concussion?"

Nobody did.

When I came back to the job he was there for a couple of weeks but quit on my night off. Apparently he got worked up at a meeting and went on a tirade about cheating. Saying it could easily be eliminated. Saying people who don't actually do any work shouldn't shine bright on paper because they know the skunk tricks. The bosses laughed at him. In front of everyone. They laughed and laughed. So he said, "F*** you." and walked out and didn't come back.

I'm not worried about him though because he told me that he had enough experience that he never had to take any job for less than $8/hr. And were talking 2006 dollars here. He's out there waiting for your mom to write him on MySpace.

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