Tuesday, September 18, 2007


Our family is in disarray still between school starting and me switching up jobs. I currently have 3 jobs. Anyway, things seem to be changing for the better. Gradually. Very gradually.

Do you know people who just sort of hick-up out of nowhere? Just one little hick-up in the middle of when they're talking to you and then you don't hear it again for a couple of days? That's how our daughter is, except she throws up. Just here and there, when the moment strikes her.

I asked Ethan, "What's your favorite thing about school?"

He thought about it. Hmmmm. Then he turned to me and said, "Getting up to get a drink of water."

I said, "You can take a water bottle to school if you want to."

He said, "Nah. I like getting up."

It must be hereditary or something.

Anyway, things haven't quite improved yet but they are bound to improve at any second and this inspires me to give the world a bunch of advice that it didn't ask for.

Advice #1: The importance of bathing and showing up to work.

It doesn't sound like much but I think this piece of advice is the primary component of what separates winners from losers in Western Society. To most people it sounds simple and unhelpful. Almost like COMMON SENSE or something. But there are many people skulking around who have heard of these things.... "bathing" and "showing up to work".... and they think they SOUND LIKE good ideas. But at the same time, it's just not a lifestyle that interests them. They think of these habits as details. In significant details.

I've mentioned several times throughout my blog that I hate empty promises. But I PROMISE people this: If you CURRENTLY are not bathing and showing up to work regularly and from this day forward you BEGIN to do these things, your life will improve by leaps and bounds. You have my word.

Advice #2: Recognizing a bad date.

I know a guy who has yet to realize the benefits of Advice #1. One day he was telling me how excited he was for a date he had arranged that evening. I remember how he looked. Grinning and stinking. It's the happiest I've ever seen the guy.

The next day I asked him, "So how did your date go last night?"

He said, "Hmmmmm. I think she might be a lesbian. She didn't come right out and say it, but she mentioned 'her partner' a few times."

Knowing his fragile emotional state due to his avoidance of Advice #1, I decided not to heckle him. I said, "Oh. What did you guys do?"

He said, "We went to Barnes&Noble and looked at art magazines. She's an artist, too. But she says that ever since the 'Transformers' movie came out, all she draws is Transformers."

People. I would love... I would PAY MONEY to see pictures of Transformers as drawn by a girl, letalone a lesbian. Ever since I heard about this I've felt like I've been missing out in life by not seeing these pictures. But part of me knows it will never happen.

I told my wife about it and said, "Maybe if I asked Holly, she would draw me some Transformers. I would pay her." (Holly is one of my wife's dearest friends from childhood and a bang-up graphic designer. And I should probably clarify that she is NOT a lesbian even though my friend Sandskier jokingly accused her of such the first night he ever met her.)

My wife forbade me, "You can't go bugging Holly to draw you Transformers. She's busy and it's a dumb idea."

She's right and I wouldn't want to pressure Holly to waste her time on me but, you know, if Holly is reading and ever gets bored between now and the day I die and ever thinks to herself that she would like to give me a heartfelt Christmas gift and can spend an hour doodling a Transformer... I would love that. But I would never want to pressure her.

I just said, "You know they would be CUTE if she did, though."

Now I'm WAY OFF on a tangent. The point is, if you would like to settle down and start a family some day, and you are heterosexual, then avoid dating homosexuals. And come up with a better date than looking at magazines at a book store. But first and foremost, you should bathe and show up to work.

And given how hip gay people tend to be, why can't they think of a better term than "My Partner?"


Native Minnow said...

Part of me thinks that a girl who doodles pictures of Transformers could be my soul mate. The other part of me wants to slap the shit out of the first part for thinking that, because that can only lead to marriage again.

PsychoIntern said...

I bet you can find lots of girls that doodle transformers on DeviantArt.com

Amber said...

is THAT all it takes to hook a guy - that's it from this second on I'm going to start drawing transformers ;) j/k