Monday, February 12, 2007

My Funny Valentine

After years of living together, to the best of my abilities, here is a list of my wife's favorite things in their correct order:

1--- Candy
2--- Kids
Somewhere between 3 and 100--- Me

She has expressed serious concern regarding our marraige because, even though I like candy, I may not like candy ENOUGH for an amicable future together. When there is no chocolate in the house, she informs me of the "problem" with all of the urgency of the kitchen being on fire. If I don't respond by running to the car, sliding over the hood, and burning rubber out of the driveway to get to the store to obtain chocolate, she looks at me with disappointed stoicism and says, "You are not taking care of me."

Instead of telling you another self-incriminating story, I will just say that I KNOW BETTER than not to have flowers for her on Valentine's Day.

The other day, my wife gave me two candy "conversation hearts" that she chose just for me. They said, "HEY YOU" and "GET REAL." I would have preferred something at least as friendly as "EMAIL ME" or a vague "IM SURE."

She likes to make homemade Valentine cards and sugar cookies. She cried more than once because her sugar cookies did not taste as good as usual. I told her the kids just enjoy making the cookies. They don't taste as good but they are fine and I saved them all from the garbage by telling her I would eat them. I ate four that night (they are big).

She doesn't know what kind of a gift to give me for Hallmark's special day. I told her it would make my life a lot easier if she could develop a sex addiction. She'll probably get me a CD though.

The other day she wanted to buy little decorations to use on cards and to put on our windows. She said, "I want to go to the dollar store. Is it alright if I go to the dollar store?"

I said, "Yeah. Just don't spend more than a dollar."

When she came home she walked through the door looking as sad as I've ever seen her. There is no downer like striking out at the dollar store.


Native Minnow said...

You should tell her that it's probably a good thing she's married to a guy like you who isn't that interested in candy. If she were married to a guy like me, there'd never be any because I'd always eat it all (as evidenced by the fact that I do just that every time I'm at your house).

Native Minnow said...

Oh yeah. My life would be easier if I could find someone with a sex addiction too. Wouldn't everyone's?

PsychoIntern said...

I was at Dollar Tree a few weeks ago and got these delicious chocolate/carmel/hazelnut candies. I don't remember what they were called, but they were some of the best candies I had ever eaten.

Anonymous said...

Emmett you are #47 on my list of favorite things. I just thought you'd like to know.