Home Shopping Network: The Movie
Hear how random callers describe their elation at the deal they received on a denim jumper and other assorted items. See callers scramble to order the very last set of uncirculated state quarters. You will laugh, you will cry, you will max out your credit card.
Arches Over Auschwitz
The mostly-true story of Ronald McDonald (played by Willard Scott) in Nazi-Germany. First segregated, then placed in hiding, finally to endure a stint in the Auschwitz Concentration Camp. Would he survive the killing campaign to establish a restaurant chain to unite the world? Would he keep off the weight in doing so? It totally isn't self-promoting tripe.
Pimp My Tax Return
Can the greatest minds in accounting get a return for a part-time ice cream man / full-time dumpster diver who hasn't filed taxes since 2003? How will they explain the luxury cars purchased in his name? Will they receive permission from the IRS to print Schedules A-D on off-da-hook stationary? Financial hi-jinx at its best!
Clear and Present Patriot Games
Harrison Ford plays a man who stumbles onto a presidential money laundering scheme but can't reveal it to the public without first revealing his rightwing underground beefcake-webpage business. Meanwhile, the president's party-girl daughter and her meth-addict boyfriend go for a joyride in Airforce 1 and well... it all gets pretty complicated after that and doesn't really go anywhere. It's kind of like all of Tom Clancy's other books but Tara Reid takes off her top in the film so just go see it.
J is for Jailbait
A rags-to-riches story about some girl (played by Lindsay Lohan), her squabbling family and their fight over her money, her struggle with drugs and eating disorders leading down a spiral of empty-headed self-destruction. All fictitious.
Christmas Hasn't Been Completely Ruined Yet
A Santa Clause imposter attempts to steal money from innocent and trusting children via movie theaters by making a movie about Jack Frost's attempts to unseat Santa Clause as the holiday king. That's it. Oh, and annoying footage of the stars singing "ICE ICE BABY" will be played in all of the commercials worldwide. A holiday hoot for people who have never considered committing suicide because of the horrors they see happening in the world around them.
We Are Your Overlords
Dakota Fanning plays the leader of an alien race which takes over earth to stomp out abortion, gay lifestyles, poor people, black people, healthcare, unions, pension plans, economic responsibility, peace and integrity. Watch out! This film is going to be a blockbuster everywhere but California and New York!