Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Only One Man would Dare to give Me the Raspberry: LoneStar!

I feel really bad for closet-gay people. It must be especially hard to be a closet-gay Mormon because the church tries to explain your sexuality to you. Essentially, that you are choosing to be evil. If it was as easy as choosing, there are several people I have met who would CHOOSE to be completely different people.

Until they have that option, though, they will roam the earth jammin' up the Gay-dar. But here are some tips if you are gay and wish that you weren't:

Don't make statements like:

"I am so mad I got that DWI (DUI). I could have spent that money on a whole new wardrobe."

The word "wardrobe" is a dead give away. And complaining about how you'd like to go clothes shopping also doesn't help.

Don't say:

"If God wants to marry a woman, why does he keep sending me all these bad experiences with them."

There is an 18-year-old who just got hired on at my job. Classic case:

He went home early on his second day of work because he had "a migraine." Even if you have a legitimate migraine, don't call it that. You may as well say you have pre-mentstrual cramps. Just say, "my head hurts."

He also plays the viola and talks about it non-stop. He has a second job building and repairing violas. He says he studies under the top-viola-teacher at BYU but refuses to enroll and become a music major because, "they would make me learn other instruments." This, despite his dream of becoming a professional voila player.

Another topic he brings up is how he likes to crochet beanies in his spare time. He's making one for a guy at work.

Also Don't:

Walk behind me, proceeding to say, "Emmett has 'shampoo commercial hair.'" Four times in the space of a minute. I heard you and I chose to ignore you.

Don't:

Spend a lot of money on expensive, stylish safety glasses so you can look good working in a warehouse.

He also said, "It's funny to hear you talk about your wife because you look younger than I do."

I said, "I pretty much look the same as the picture on my first driver's license. Same haircut and everything."

He said, "You must have been a super-stud."

Not a good sign.

He and I both probably weigh about 150 but he expressed concern over the amount of "carbs" in my dinner.

There is so much to cover but this should be a good start.

6 comments:

Gordon said...

It's good to know you've got options just in case the wife decides to leave you.

Native Minnow said...

If that one doesn't work out, I know a Hungarian who might be interested.

ShootingStar said...

hmm.. Your beautiful hair getting you in trouble again. Did you have the urge to toss it around on your shoulders like they do in the commercials?

Alpha said...

Star...you crack me up. Probably because I can envision the hair toss. However, I do emphasize with Fly...I have that problem a lot. ;)

Alpha said...

It's not easy looking like a blurry Jessica Simpson all the time, you know.....

Anonymous said...

Em...................