Sunday, April 09, 2006

Tragic: Slick Willy

He's a sexual predator. Maybe you've met one. I met one... at my computer job. He liked to talk about his achievements with naive girls. "Oops, baby, have we gone too far? I feel horrible. Was I grinning when I said that?"

Utah is a good place to be a sex hobbiest. A lot of young mormon girls are "hot to trot" as an old friend of mine used to say. Meaning, they want to find that perfect guy fast, get him to the temple and proceed to "replenish the earth." It is not uncommon for a couple of starcrossed mormon lovers to become engaged within a couple of weeks of meeting in this state. You can put on a nice shirt and talk deeply about your spirituality and the girls at church will eat it up. Not because they are naive, but because they WANT to believe; Believe they have found the future preisthood holder of their humble homes. Utah girls want to get in deep, posthaste.

The predator I met seemed goofy enough that I really didn't care about what he did. If I had the power to do or say something to change his passion in life (deflowering mormon girls) then my powers would be great enough that there would no longer be a need for prisons in our country, nay, the world.

But last week, my sister-in-law went on a group date with the predator from my old job and now I'm bothered (he's been dating her friend). I love my sister-in-law. I am bothered that she had to talk to the guy, be in the same group as the guy, or even the same room as the guy.

I can't change him so I am just here to tell the girls to stay sharp. The rule I recommend for judging guys is: Assume they only want that one thing until you KNOW otherwise. (They will still want that one thing but there should be more to the relationship than that. Much more.) If you like church or anything else and the predator knows that then you need to remind yourself that he is just going to keep blabbering about church or your likes until you let him feel you up. Keep this knowledge close at hand on ANY date. Consider all the meanings when he tells you he'll throw in an All-Day-Sucker.

Comfort must lie in the notion that the predator leads a trite and meaningless life. He probably feels smart when he gets what he wants but sex is one of the most temporary fulfillments there is, that's why people want it so much; over and over. For the predator, each triumph evaporates within minutes but his spotted past will remain for a lifetime with each day spent in loneliness and fear that his hobby will catch up with him, be it in the form of a brother with roid-rage or a sentence in a jail cell. It's safe to assume it's just a matter of time.

Predators hit points: Vary depending on how much of his B.S. or GHB you swallow.


Gordon said...

Who are you talking about? I can think of a couple possibilities.

bigmagsis said...

You go from a guy chilling, eating raspberries to a sex predator? Oh, to dream of a world where we wouldn't have to worry about it...ok, I'll go back to my la-la land.

slimysculpin said...

does it mean anything that he's got a kink in his sucker?

flieswithoutwings said...

It's sad that you can say "sexual predator" to someone and they will know one or more people who fit the bill. The one I was referencing here has a name that rhymes with "lyin' dicks."

Sculpin has the right idea here, ladies. You need to note significant details for when you're filling out the police report.

Gordon said...

That's who I was thinking of all right.