Tuesday, December 27, 2005

More Tips Your Guidance Couselor Will Not Give You

I was feeling like a caber tosser loading some giant boxes into a truck at work when I decided it was time to share some more wisdom with my readers. By now, you have read the exploits of my wild success (I have my own blog!) and you may be wondering what you can do to get ahead in this mixed up world.

I'm not saying I do these things, myself, but here are some tips that may give you the edge you need to rise above:

  • Look busy. If my truck is getting slammed at work, occassionally, some dudes will come to my aid by loading all my "odd sized items" on the back of my truck. I noticed they will carry the packages and shuffle toward the trailer. When they arrive they will drop the package like it's made of lead. I used to worry but was relieved to find the boxes were actually quite light. This is one technique used to look like you are working hard and bosses love it. You could also move your fingers rapidly over a keyboard (plugged in or not), you could walk around with a bottle of Windex cleaning whatever, you could even try talking to yourself about work related topics... "I'm trying to remember if I... yeah, I did that right... that's what I thought... I'd better get ahold of our HR manager." ANYTHING. It works in any profession. It would be better to find a little cubby hole and hide rather than let your boss see you doing nothing.

  • Start smoking. Sitting on your butt for an undetermined amount of time doing nothing is unacceptable. Sitting on your butt smoking a cigarette? That's like meditation or something and bosses like it. Smoke instead of eating. Bosses like bony people rather than chunky people, even if their intentions are pure. And think about retirement: If you could cut ten years off your life by smoking, that's like $20,000 per year that you don't have to save for retirement. The sooner you start puffing, the less you need to save. I think Suzy Ormond would agree with me on that.

  • Stop being nice. Is it a coincidence that A-holes are often mistaken as people with "leadership" skills? That means you should start tattling on your peers immediately. Tell your boss "Christmas was fun" but that you really couldn't wait to get back to work. Smile, nod, smile, nod. Be excited! Convince yourself your boss is a god. Good things will come your way.

    You can do it!
  • 3 comments:

    Gordon said...

    The advantage of the desk job is that I bet I could do quite a bit of drinking before and during my shift. I'm thinking I might have to start experimenting with this. Just how liquored up can I be and still hit metrics?

    PsychoIntern said...

    I never thought smoking could be so advantageous... :)

    Native Minnow said...

    If these tips don't work to get you promoted, you could always follow the lead of the guy in Office Space and just quit caring. It got him promoted, and if it worked in the movies it's got to work in real life, right?