Sunday, November 06, 2005

Peculiar Lessons from Beloved Cartoons

GI JOE: An elite military force specializing in neutralizing terrorist threats (If only someone could have pitched this idea to the government instead of little boys in the 80's). Everyone in war parachutes to safety. Infomercials can be appealing to kids, too.

Thundercats: If your planet explodes, don't dwell on it. Pick up the pieces of your wrecked ship and build an elaborate "Cat's Lair." If you are in charge, announce it at every opportunity. I, Liono, Lord of the Thundercats, demand it.

Duck Tales: Hall and Oates marketed their music to the wrong audience. Miser Scrooge is OCD about money. Donald clearly has anger management issues. The kid's best source of guidance is their Junior Woodchuck scout book; sounds iffy. Money isn't everything.

He-Man: You can wear pink, have a blonde bob, choose to ride around on a tiger over any other modern conveyance such as a tank, and assume a secret identity that only appears when you hold aloft your "magic sword" and scream "I have the power!" or you could sit down with your parents and have a rational, mature conversation. Chances are they will accept your choice of lifestyle. No need for secrets in a world full of monsters (who cares what the monsters think?). Sure it seems like a lot of heat when you step out of the closet, but are two people of the same sex who love each other really the one's who degrade marraige or is it television shows like "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?" and "The Bachelor" that make marraige seem trivial and cheap?

Inspector Gadget: The professional world is full of incompetent dumbasses.

The Jetsons: The future is boring.

The Transformers: People like watching cars turn into robots. Robots are just as concerned about energy crisis as people.

The Smurfs: Socialism can be fun, but it takes the right kind of person to make it work. La la, la la la la. It's good to be the big Poppa Smurf. You get to wear red. It's not as fun as it sounds to be the only female to a hundred males. Your name will define you; in your face, Shakespeare! A present exploding in someone's face is the only joke that is funny EVERY time. Why would you ever let Clumsy out of his mushroom house?

Jem and The Holograms: Ladies got to accessorize. Catty girls need to lighten up. Boys won't recognize you if you paint a glam star on your face. Jem is perfect, that's why boys like her. Outrageous.

Robotech: The diva/beauty queen does not always get the whiney little hero. Instead she can be held high as an icon of what makes life worth living. Love and beauty can disrupt wars, subdue war, and bring to peace those who have been bred for hostility. People parish in war, even the good ones and nothing and nobody is a lost cause. Anime is weird. People like watching planes turn into robots.

Voltron: Life is more dramatic if you wait till the last minute to form Voltron. The show would be too short if they did that right away.

I like all of these shows, possibly only because of nostalgia. On the otherhand, I have issues with a lot of current programming for kids.

Dora the Explorer: Could a kid be any more self-centered? Should we care that you're walking to the gooey-guyser? Those riddles the Bridge-Troll asks are ridiculous. Do bullies and thieves really stop when you say stop? Don't teach my kids that, when rock climbing, you can fix your severed rope with tape.

Barney: If my kids ever act like any kid from this show in any way shape or form, it's straight to the adoption agency. I don't care.

Teletubbies: Creepy, mindless, redundant, drivel. Not cute. Not innocent. Not intelligent nor intelligible.

Booh-bah: I didn't think it could get worse than the Tubbies but here it is. This show is not allowed on in my house. Looks like a bunch of squeeky toys to me.

Sesame Street: It's okay but not what it used to be. Stop copying other shows and lead again. Why did Jim Henson have to die?

Horrible: Any show where the main character sounds like Rosy O'Donnel at high volume, like Chalkzone, George Shrinks (that show has problems), etc.

I like Aurthur, Jimmy Neutron, Hey Arnold and Spongebob. Even the Berenstien Bears are alright, but my wife doesn't like their names or that the mother wears pyjamas 24 hours a day.

Bring back The Tick and The Critic! We were right to flush Family Guy the first time.


anusha said...

it was nice to read about those old cartoons... what's your opinion of my little pony and friends?

Gordon said...

Real cartoon fans remember TranZor Z. The female sidekick robot, Aphrodite-A, had boob missiles, which in my book guarantees it a spot in the Cartoon Hall of Fame.

Gordon said...

I dig He-Man's clear S&M theme. Metal cuffs, harness with breastplate, and furry speedos. He-Man brings a lot to the table.

Oh yeah, and the Tick rules.

"I will spread my buttery justice over your every nook and