Celebrity Lookalikes

There is some comedian that says "have you ever noticed that when someone says their friend looks like a celebrity, the friend looks like that celebrity except uglier?" This bit isn't about regular everyday jackasses trying to look like celebrities. It's about celebrities that seem to replace other celebrities.

For instance, Christian Slater is the Jack Nicholson for my generation. It seems to be the consensus as Christian Slater commonly makes jokes to that effect. You may be so bold as to say that Ben Folds is the new Elton John, that lame Oasis band seems to think they're The Beetles despite never producing a good album, Gwen Stefani is on target to be the next Madonna whereas Courtney Love seems to offer a consistent rendition of "Madonna on crack" (Don't go there, Material Girlfriend). Maybe Jim Carrey is the new Jerry Lewis, Al Franken is the closest we have to a new Will Rogers, and John Travolta is our new John Travolta just pudgier and with more wrinkles.

The television, as usual, assumes we are morons and creates shows like "Ed" (?, the bowling alley lawyer show?) with a star who looks remarkably like Jon Stewart of The Daily Show and "Bones" stars a heroine who looks suspiciously like Amy Poehler who delivers news on "Saturday Night Live," who replaced Jimmy Fallon who followed a little too close borrowing Adam Sandler's flava'. The "obvious subliminalism" of look-alike casting coupled with annoying show titles like "Joan of Arcadia" or "The Ghost Whisperer" is insulting in that networks will not void from their rectums anything that they are not convinced the general audience (you and me) already has some familiarity with.

As a further aside, Hollywood has been complaining about a drop off in year over year profits based on box-office ticket sales. My advice: Stop burying us in crappy Big Screen remakes of movies or shows that were not good to begin with! All of this simply leads me to believe that Orwell was correct with his idea that all of our "best" fiction will soon be written by machines maintained by some mediocre chic from the "Junior Anti-Sex League" in the "pornography department." Everyone seems to think "Harry Potter" is the greatest thing since "The Butthole Surfers" but all I see is ripped themes and icons. Subtract the influences of Roald Dahl's charm and Dickens-like scenarios and borrow elements from the movie "Labyrinth" except without the music of David Bowie or Jennifer Connelly's majestic presence and what is left: Some overhyped, overly-lucky nerd with a tacky lightning bolt on his forehead.

With that said, this all stems from me blurting out: "Oh, that girl again! She's just trying to be the new Winona Ryder. But she's not!"

Sure, Winona Ryder may be a pill-popping, shoplifter but that doesn't vaporize her accomplishments. Admittedly, I watched "Beetle Juice" a few too many times as a kid. Winona has earned her spot in my psyche. The seat is full. Get your own seat. Do you hear me, KEIRA KNIGHTLEY? Until I can see you and not mistake you for Ms. Ryder you're out in the cold.

It also doesn't help that Knightley's breakout role was opposite Johnny Depp in that "Pirate" Movie. Anyone who has religiously read People magazine for the past 20 years knows that Frenchie from Jump Street is Winona's beau. It's Johnny and Winona Forever! Like Edward Scissorhands. You may be saying, "NO, KIERA WAS WITH LEGOLAS!" Everyone knows that guy is losing his edge and that Depp was the big star of that movie and the one Knightley would most like to be hunkered down with. Legolas was about as manly as an androgynous elf could be in The Rings. Then that guy was less manly but okay in The Pirates and then a big wuss in the cool brazen man-meat film "Troy" and now he recently just gave in completely to do that gushy tennis movie? See how I won't even bother to research names here? That guy has some work to do to get back in good stead.

So, Knightley.... haircuts and big peepers and standing by "her" man don't gain you Winona's awards. Get out there and be somebody.