Sunday, January 13, 2008

But If My Freetime's Gone, Would You Promise Me This?

A guy could get used to this whole only-working-one-job thing but I know that I will be starting my daytime job again pretty soon so I am trying to get back in the proper frame of mind. I was trying to remember parts of the job that made me laugh and figured I would relate some of them for you:

First, I will tell you about Carlino. He's sort of a mexican. There is a rumor that he had a mexican father but to look at the guy, you wouldn't think that he was and he doesn't speak spanish or anything. He was one of the grunts on the first crew I hired on with and he was kind of a wise guy. He liked to control conversations and take advantage of the fact that he wasn't as new an employee as I was. I think he felt like as long as he talked fast and made a lot of smart alec comments that that made him superior or something, so I would usually match wits with him and see if I could throw him off.

Like one day I was building or "fabricating" this dealy and he came over and was trying to pressure me. He said, "Come on, Emmett. Do it the right way. Don't mess up. Do it the right way." But it didn't phase me because I was pretty good at making those dealies and I just said, "What way is that? Carlino's way?" But he didn't laugh. He got an angry look on his face and he said, "You think you're pretty funny, don't you?" And I said, "I won't believe that was the first time you ever heard that. I've been trying really hard NOT to say it ever since I met you but then you came over and you were all do it the right way, Emmett, do it the right way so what else could I say? I don't feel like you left me any choice."

And another day he was building something and I walked by and he broke a piece and he said, "Look what you made me do, Emmett." And I said a la Erkel, "Did I do that? Did I make you lose your cool? Did I put the whammy on you...?"

And Carlino was already trying to talk loud and fast to prove that he was superior but then he stopped and said, "Did you put the wh-whammy on me? What!" and then he just started laughing. Which meant I beat him because I took away his ability to talk loud and fast.

I heard that Carlino was always late for work because his car was unreliable and he finally took it to a shop and they spent two weeks fixing it. The day he got his car back I went with him to get some hamburgers at lunch. He said, "Man, I'm so excited to drive my car again." He kept talking about it. When we got in the car he said, "Do you want to hear my music? I made this." And he played some drum and bass music on the stereo and he said, "That's some gangsta shit right there!"

And before we made it to the restaurant he was already saying, "Man, I hate this car. This car sucks." And I said, "Why don't you trade-in your Nissan and get an old Cadillac or a 6-4-Impala or something?" Carlino said, "Why?" And I said, "Isn't that what you guys like? Gangsta?" And he got mad and was all, "Are you stereotyping me?" And I said, "You were the one who said your stuff was gangsta. I just asked you a question."

When we were eating hamburgers he was telling me how great he was at making music on the computer. He said, "It's all in the software. That's Fruityloops. It's like $500 software. I can do anything with it."

I said, "Oh, so you bought it, huh? Or do you use the pirated stuff?"

A guilty smile flashed on his face for half a second and then he got angry again and said, "You don't need to worry about that."

One morning he said, "Emmett, how was your weekend? Did you get wasted?" I said, "No." He said, "I did. Are you going to stereotype me again?" I said, "Yes. You're an alcoholic. You have a serious problem and that's why you're late for work everyday."

He said, " I told you --- I HAD TO POOP!"

(His story from earlier that morning when I asked him why he was late: "I was walking to my car this morning and I was going to be here on time but then I realized I had to poop and I would rather use my own bathroom than come to work and have to use a port-a-jon, so I was late.")

I mocked him, "You had to poop. Like I haven't heard THAT ONE before. You alcoholics are ALL THE SAME. You all use the same stupid excuses!"

That always makes me laugh because then I start to imagine some drunk guy getting pulled over by the police and saying, "Officer, I had NO INTENTION of drinking and driving tonight. I was at a party and I had a designated driver and everything but then all of a sudden I realized... I HAD TO POOP. I was just trying to get home to poop and I'll tell that to the judge too and he'll understand."

One day I was worried that I had actually upset Carlino so I told him, "Hey, I was just kidding around with you. I don't think I'm better than you. You know a lot more about this stuff than I do and I'm here to learn so I appreciate anything you can teach me or any advice you have for me." Carlino looked at me and said, "Just be cooler, man. Why can't you be cooler?" Does that mean that he wanted me to grow a mullet? I don't know.

Lino and I were constantly at eachother like that but we seemed to get along pretty good.

One day I was working with this grumpy old man. I seriously think he had tourettes syndrome. Either that or one of his grade school teachers told him that every sentence begins with a capital and ends with the word "cocksucker." He also has an "mmm-hmmm" that rivals that of Billy Bob Thorton's "Slingblade" character. Anyhow, me and Slingblade were working in a remote section of the plant so we hitched a ride with some guys who worked under a different foreman than us.

The driver of the van said, "Which way should I go?" Another guy said, "It doesn't matter. Whichever way you go, Matt will yell at you for going the wrong way because everything he does is right and everything we do is wrong." And there was a lot of grumbling about Matt.

Slingblade said, "Are you guys having trouble with your foreman? Haven't any of you learned to tell him to f*** off?"

Dude 1 said, "Yes. We tell him that all the time. I told him that just yesterday."

I said, "Did he listen?"

Dude 1 said, "He might have. He does disappear for extended periods of time."

Dude 2 punched the driver and said, "Maybe that's why he's so touchy-feely with you. Matt likes to come back and wipe his hands on you."

The driver said, "Matt's really touchy-feely with everyone. It's creepy."

Dude 1 said, "You think that's bad? The other day I was by myself working and Matt comes over and grabs my channies (channel-lock pliers) and starts shoving them UP MY BUTT. Seriously... shoving them up my butt."

Dude 2 said, "Whoa! Are you saying that Matt grabbed your tool... and then tried to stick it in your own butt?"

Dude 1 said, "Yes. And I kept yelling at him to stop but he wouldn't."

Dude 2 said, "Wow! That is messed up. I don't even own videos where people do stuff like that."

Anyway, it feels good to grab that stuff out of my brain and fling it at you good people. Thanks for reading.

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