Lately I've been feeling like George Castanza at work; leaving on a high note with my coworkers.
The other night we were playing basketball and The-instant-winner-in-waiting was playing. Some of the guys on the sidelines were trying to think of nicknames for everyone. The-instant-winner-in-waiting was assigned to change all the batteries for the whole warehouse that night, so I said, "He doesn't need a nickname. He IS the Battery Changer." And right when I said that, he drove in through a group of mofos and made an easy layup. I yelled, "Oooh. Sheldon just got his battery changed!" in the same context that you would say, "Sheldon just got owned" or "Sheldon just got his ass handed to him." It was a riot. People were laughing hard and lastnight at work one of the mofos came up to me and asked if I had heard that someone had said those things. It probably doesn't read funny but the mofos loved it.
Lastnight I went to get some dinner with some cool nerds and when we got back to the warehouse I said, "We could go over there and eat on the grass." And one of the guys said, "Why would we eat on the grass." I said, "Mostly so we don't have to eat in your car," and then I quickly switched gears and said, "I thought we could eat on the grass and listen to the birds sing. We could lay out a blanket..."
Lastnight I was helping to load the last of the furniture on the last truck we had to finish. We were passing stuff down a line of mofos and tossing it into the empty spaces near the ceiling of the trailer. It was weird stuff made of sheet metal. I think they were flower vases or something. One of the mofos was tired and annoyed and he asked in a serious way, "Why the hell do people spend their money on crap like this?"
I answered, "It's probably either this or heroin." Pow! They all stopped and looked at me in a dumbstruck way. I don't think that what I said actually disturbed them, it just took them by surprise. But it was cool that I could get a reaction like that out of them because they usually act so callous and numb.
A little later, we were talking about how easy it is to accidentally stay up till morning after we get off of work. I was saying, "It seems like you walk in the door and take your shoes off and an hour has already gone by. It takes a while just to eat something really fast and if you turn on the TV, you're screwed."
Then I said, "I got home lastnight and I was hungry so I made a sandwich and ate it in the dark... then I woke up this morning and the first thing my wife said to me was 'Look how moldy this bread is.'" That one brought the house down. I was just glad I didn't get sick from it.
When we ran out of work, one of the new guys was riding around on loading dolly like a scooter. I said, "That was the original design for those Seguey scooters. It's the man-powered prototype." He played along and said, "I know. It's worth a lot of money." Then he just rode into the distance.