Thursday, October 19, 2006

Not Retarded but still the Dregs of Society

I was telling some friends the other night that what I like best about working a job available to anyone who can lift 100 pounds is that as long as you are not completely retarded your coworkers and bosses all think you are a superstar. I've never driven a forklift fullspeed into one of the ceiling support beams nor have I dropped a refrigerator from 40 feet. The job is such that I can even be an hour late, everyday if I like, and they're all still glad that I just keep showing up. In short, I can show up and do my thing and everyone will leave me alone. That is hard to find at most jobs.

But do you know what I did that really annoys people? I bought my house. For a couple of weeks we had a couple things lined up against the house in the driveway along with a lot of empty cardboard boxes. Our house only had ONE garbage can which was already filled when we moved in. We called the city a couple of times to see if we could get another and it was weeks before it arrived. In the meantime, I took a U-haul truck filled with garbage to the dump, we had a junk car hauled off, we had a yardsale (People act like $5 is too much to ask for an original painting by Picasso and then once they finally agree to your price they try to pay you with a hundred dollar bill; we also had people steal items we would have sold for $0.25. Losers.) and we arranged our house as best we could to maximize the space we had available.

Regardless, we received a threatening form letter from the city stating we had one week to get the crap out of our driveway. They included with the letter a picture of the junk in the driveway. See, JUNK! It's right here in this picture if you failed to notice it every time you park your car! And welcome to the neighborhood, scumbag!

Don't worry about it. I built an awesome shed. I will post pictures of it as soon as I find our camera (or buy a new one). The junk is moved. And just in time. They said they would charge us $30 per day until it was gone.

A couple of weeks after we moved in I received a postcard from our (homeowners-) insurance company. It said 'thank you, blah, blah, blah' and had a handwritten sentence that said, "I need to talk to you about one of the trees on your property."

Of course, I've been too busy to get around to calling the guy about said tree and today I received a letter from the insurance company stating that my policy with them will soon be canceled due to the issue with the tree. I called the insurance rep for more information:

Me: "Hello, I'm calling because I just received a letter stating that you would be canceling my insurance policy because of a tree in my yard."

Rep: "Yeah, and...?"

I wanted to swear at the guy but I didn't, "AND, I wanted to know what I could do to keep the policy from being canceled." Happy now, dork? Big surprise, he doesn't know what I need to do. He needs to call some people and then he says he will call me and tell me. Why do I get the feeling he will be treating me like the girl he took on one date who mistakenly let it slip that she had an STD? I'm sure he'll be calling any time now.

On that note, here are some other examples of stellar customer service I have recently experienced:

Eddie Bauer---

"Can I help you find something today?"
"I was looking for a SWEATER for my wife. I talked her into giving her old ones to charity and now she doesn't have anything warm for winter."
"I see. I'd like to show you these LONG SLEEVED SHIRTS right here. They just came in."

When was the last time you BUNDLED UP in a long sleeve shirt?


"I see that you have this board in 10 ft lengths. Do you have it in 8 ft?"
"Uh, I don't know anything about the wood. The guy who does just left."

Well, it's great that you are sitting HERE, in the woods section, giving the APPEARANCE of help. Have you ever walked down these aisles before? Have you ever wondered about the stuff you're supposed to be selling? What kind of glue did you use to glue your butt to the chair? THAT seems to be working.

Credit Card---

I received a phone call telling me a credit card payment was 30 days overdue. I told them I never received the bill and updated them with my new address. I paid by phone and the lady told me I was paid through November. A few days later I received a bill in the mail but the payment due was about $50 more than what I'd paid by phone. I called them again:

"I paid by phone a few days ago but the statement I received in the mail is asking for $50 more. Do I need to pay the difference?"
"Yes, you do."
"Why did the last person I spoke to tell me I was paid through November?"
"I don't know."

Should I bother to ask what would have happened if I hadn't called again to straighten things out?

I'm not perfect but it's too bad we can't all be un-completely-retarded superstars.

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