Hooked on an 8 second ride

It is late in the game to act against America's dependency on foreign energy as well as global warming and the nation's debt. In this country where the majority of people can be categorized as "redneck" or at least "redneck sympathizer" I am astounded that no attention has been given to the future of Demolition Derbies by the scientific community or our leading cultural groups.

The Demolition Derby is the bright jewel in the Burger King crown of redneck culture. Thousands upon thousands of derbies are held every year and up until this point there has been a rich supply of boat-cars with big engines and chromed bumpers from the golden age of carmaking; the 60's and 70's. But the energy crisis of the late seventies required automakers to change their designs. For example, this boss Chevy Nova from the early 70's blasted tasty licks from Zepellin and Floyd through the stereo in its heyday. But after the oil crisis the Nova was transformed into this late 80's gas-sipper that played bands like Men Without Hats and Wham! at a reasonable volume.



It can be assumed that our supply of cars from the 60's and 70's will soon dwindle, leaving the wiener-mobiles from the 80's as the prime contenders for our precious derbies. What options do we have? Fill the ring with SUV's from the 90's? That just doesn't seem right and I'm sure it would be a violation of the Derby rules as they have stood for the past 30 years... and we must not disturb the integrity of the game.

Automakers finally seem to be making some larger cars again such as the Chrysler 300C.


But how many years must we wait before these cars enter the derby-worthy rotation? Not to mention, I cannot think of a CAR that has been produced in the past ten years with an actual bumper. They are all designed to crumple into a ball with the driver nestled safely inside every time you drive over a curb.

Obviously, something must be done and I believe I have a solution that rednecks will embrace:

WELDING

Have you ever been to a small, rural town like Mountain View, Wyoming and seen a Franken-car or -truck; the product of two cars being cut up and then combined into one super-car through the magic of welding?

I think, if no other solution can be found, welding will be the hope of the American people. Bringing us the mud-caked, unmuffled, roaring destruction we crave to go with our 64 ounce Mountain Dews.