Look at the Size of that Tan

Have you ever watched an old Western or Adventure movie and, while the heroes are killing off the natives, some small part of you is thinking: "I wish I had skin pigmentation more like those technocolored non-christians."

If so, there is a business in our neighborhood that may suit your needs. It's called "Savage Tan."

Maybe it's not the look you are after, though. Maybe you like the feeling. Maybe long winters give you an inkling to wrap yourself in aluminum foil and cook yourself at 350 degrees for 45 minutes. And maybe you are a vampire who doesn't like sunlight.

If so, there is a business in our neighborhood to suit your needs, too. It's another tanning salon called "Bake in the Dark."

These businesses may have the market cornered on appealing to your deepest desires, but I think they could take it a step further. If people are accepting of those salon names then surely people could accept a name like "The Tumor Garden" or "Face Like a Weather-Beaten Wallet."

My Friend, Gordon, is excited for the release of a "tanning pill" that has been in development for years now. All the color without the skin disease. He says researchers have also noted side-effects of weight-loss and increased labido. It sounds way better than some lightbulb bed in a stripmall. Hopefully it will be approved for use soon and put the lame-o's out of business.