Jellybeans and How I Like Boring Food

I think I've mentioned before that part of my bad attitude may stem from the fact that I don't derive much pleasure from eating. If I had my way, people wouldn't need to eat. It's a hassle.

I like baked potatos with just salt and pepper; maybe a little butter. But never decked out with sour cream or chives or baco-bits or anything like that (although, cheese can be good). I think people who try to make FANCY macaroni and cheese are ridiculous. Mac and cheese is what you make when you have NOTHING else to eat. It doesn't turn into pasta primavera just because you add peppers.

I just like BASIC things. I think it is silly when people drown EVERYTHING they eat in ranch dressing or tobasco sauce. It just makes everything taste like the dressing. I told one guy he could save a lot of money if he just put his tobasco on cardboard and ate that instead of wasting good food.

My wife gets very annoyed with me that I like simple foods. I go to a salad bar and only get lettuce. I like cheese pizza. I WILL eat the more complicated foods, too, but when I choose it is usually something simple. I even like oatmeal.

Yesterday we went to Costco. They were handing out little paper cups full of jellybeans. I dumped half of them in my mouth and nearly gagged. Just the mixture of buttered popcorn, cantelope, pear, chili pepper and whatever else was in there. The flavors are too different to be mixed. It was the nastiest thing I've eaten in a long while and I eat a lot of fast food, people. If you are going to make specialty jelly beans, you should at least separate them into flavor groups. I'm a busy, impatient guy. I don't spend my time eating dumb jellybeans one at a time and savoring exotic tastes. I do much better with the sour Starburst jellybeans that you can pop in your mouth by the handful.

When I complained about the gross jellybeans, my wife said, "You are not adventurous enough with your eating."

I said, "What are you talking about? I ATE THEM. I just never seem to be rewarded for being an adventurous eater. Where is my return?"