This was a disturbing minute of Conan last night:
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
What's another word for pirate treasure?
I have some old blue plaid pajama bottoms that were starting to wear out so I cut the bottoms off of the legs to give them a new lease on life. Every time I wear them, my wife calls them my "pirate pants" and laughs about them.
In other news, we were unpacking the Halloween decorations out of a box when we came across some black tattered costume pants that I bought off a bargain table last Halloween. I put the pants on and wore them most of the day, just to be funny.
Finally, my wife got tired of it and said, "Can you please stop wearing those?"
I said, "I thought you liked it when I wear pirate pants."
She said, "Your other ones are cute but not those."
A few days later I was wearing my cutoff pajama bottoms. I said, "Hey, honey. I'll probably be wearing these to bed for the rest of the week."
She said, "Why do you think you need to tell me that?"
I said, "It was a warning. It's the equivalent of me coming to bed in lingerie every night. I thought you should know."
Boys are awesome.
In other news, we were unpacking the Halloween decorations out of a box when we came across some black tattered costume pants that I bought off a bargain table last Halloween. I put the pants on and wore them most of the day, just to be funny.
Finally, my wife got tired of it and said, "Can you please stop wearing those?"
I said, "I thought you liked it when I wear pirate pants."
She said, "Your other ones are cute but not those."
A few days later I was wearing my cutoff pajama bottoms. I said, "Hey, honey. I'll probably be wearing these to bed for the rest of the week."
She said, "Why do you think you need to tell me that?"
I said, "It was a warning. It's the equivalent of me coming to bed in lingerie every night. I thought you should know."
Boys are awesome.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Make Mine Estrogen
My wife recently wrote about how she was surprised that she couldn't get me out of the girly stores we visited.
There were several reasons for this, but the most time consuming reason was because I discovered a whole section of Anne Taintor stuff. It was cracking me up.
Here are a few examples:
There were several reasons for this, but the most time consuming reason was because I discovered a whole section of Anne Taintor stuff. It was cracking me up.
Here are a few examples:
However Far Away
I have a hard time with rap music when it seems like their ultimate goal is to take a cool song and make it worse. Like this:
Or this one, where the song they start out with isn't even that great:
Songs like these make it seem like torture when we listen to rap at work. However, I respect guys like this, who seem more original, give credit to other song writers and seem to have some actual talent:
I also think the auto-harmonizer microphone should be completely banned from music. That is all.
To be fair, here is a P.O.S. original:
Or this one, where the song they start out with isn't even that great:
Songs like these make it seem like torture when we listen to rap at work. However, I respect guys like this, who seem more original, give credit to other song writers and seem to have some actual talent:
I also think the auto-harmonizer microphone should be completely banned from music. That is all.
To be fair, here is a P.O.S. original:
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Once Every Hundred Thousand Years Or So When The Sun Doth Shine And The Moon Doth Glow And The Grass Doth Grow
The only reason I look forward to the end of summer is that it means that I can stop mowing the lawn. I'm usually so busy that I only get around to it every other weekend but I must admit it looks a million times better right after it's been cut.
But it's good because when I mow the lawn I also pick up any garbage that's blown into our yard and pick up pine cones and put bikes away and pick a few weeds. It's weird because I'm very concerned by which pattern I will choose to use each time. Will I mow in lines parallel to the street? Perpendicular to the street? The ever impressive diagonal? And whichever pattern I choose, I am very careful to keep up the same pattern in the backyard just in case someone looks down at our house from a traffic or military helicopter. It's important for the yards to match.
We have a lot of fruit trees which are a pain and a blessing. We have tasty plums, pears, grapes, peaches and cherries but most of them end up on the ground. It makes a disgusting mess if you try to rake up mushy fruit. I usually just plow through the fruit, leaving fruit guts all over the mower and a nice fruity smell in the air.
So I think it makes a big difference in the appearance of our house but I never weedwack or edge the lawn. Because people who do that have some sort of nuerological disorder. Or at least that's the excuse I use to avoid doing the work.
So if you are planning to visit you should do it today or tomorrow. Otherwise, you will need to wait two weeks.
But it's good because when I mow the lawn I also pick up any garbage that's blown into our yard and pick up pine cones and put bikes away and pick a few weeds. It's weird because I'm very concerned by which pattern I will choose to use each time. Will I mow in lines parallel to the street? Perpendicular to the street? The ever impressive diagonal? And whichever pattern I choose, I am very careful to keep up the same pattern in the backyard just in case someone looks down at our house from a traffic or military helicopter. It's important for the yards to match.
We have a lot of fruit trees which are a pain and a blessing. We have tasty plums, pears, grapes, peaches and cherries but most of them end up on the ground. It makes a disgusting mess if you try to rake up mushy fruit. I usually just plow through the fruit, leaving fruit guts all over the mower and a nice fruity smell in the air.
So I think it makes a big difference in the appearance of our house but I never weedwack or edge the lawn. Because people who do that have some sort of nuerological disorder. Or at least that's the excuse I use to avoid doing the work.
So if you are planning to visit you should do it today or tomorrow. Otherwise, you will need to wait two weeks.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Reality Television
About a week ago, my wife and I were watching a documentary on ABC about this guy in North Carolina who may have stabbed his wife to death. After the incident, he packed up and moved near his family in Sandy, Utah and will not respond to police requests to answer any questions or take a polygraph test. He was also engaged to be married to another girl here in Utah but, after seeing his split personality, she ran for her life.
The whole show was pretty creepy and makes you worry that the case was never investigated to a satisfying end. It's worse that the guy lives in our city.
One of the guys that I work with was a teacher for nearly ten years and he knows many of the people in our profession. When I showed up to work on Monday he was asking me, "Did you see that crime show on TV last weekend about one of our guys (he's in our labor union)?"
I didn't know what he was talking about so I said, "No." But then he retold the story of what had happened in that documentary and asked me if I had gone to school with the suspected killer. He said that he and his wife had watched the show and it bothered them. He told his wife that the guy would probably be at the union Labor Day picnic.
His wife said, "No way. If they did a report on you like that on television would you show your face in public?"
But a couple days later, my coworker and his wife went to the picnic and, sure enough, the suspected killer was there. He recognized the guy I work with and said, "Hey! How's it going!" and shook his hand. It was funny to hear my coworker describe how his wife yelled at him, "I can't believe it! You just shook hands with a MURDERER! How could you do that?"
Later in the day I called my wife to tell her that the guy in the creepy TV murder mystery was in my trade and likely to be a coworker in the near future. She was stunned. I told her, "I actually look forward to meeting the guy so I can treat him like crap and mess with him."
My wife said, "Do you really think it's a good idea to provoke a murderer?"
I said, "The guy is a coward. He spent years of his life convincing this girl that he loves her and that he would do anything for her and that she was the most important thing to him... and then when she wasn't expecting it, he stabbed her. Do you know how easy it would be for you or me to kill the other one? I doubt this guy is quite so brave when faced with someone his own size who doesn't like him. He got away with murder once. It won't happen twice and he has nowhere left to run. He's already living with his parents."
I know there is a minority of guys out there who wish they had the guts to stab their wives who are saying, "Dude, you don't KNOW for a fact that he did it." But there aren't any other suspects and he won't cooperate with police and that's enough reason to treat him like a jerk. So he may not be in jail but it doesn't mean there won't be consequences.
There is also a channel that shows re-runs of the show "SuperNanny." I was flipping through channels one day when my wife pointed out the show and said, "This episode is about a boy that grew up in my neighborhood."
We watched it for a little while and I said, "That would be really embarrassing to be on SuperNanny. Not only do they point out what a horrible parent you are, they also break down your marraige and show you what a jerk you are."
Can you imagine if people from your childhood came up to you and said, "Bro! What's up? I saw you on SuperNanny! Dude... you really need to step up and help your wife around the house. You're a FATHER! Act like it. Welp... see you at the reunion in 10 years."
The whole show was pretty creepy and makes you worry that the case was never investigated to a satisfying end. It's worse that the guy lives in our city.
One of the guys that I work with was a teacher for nearly ten years and he knows many of the people in our profession. When I showed up to work on Monday he was asking me, "Did you see that crime show on TV last weekend about one of our guys (he's in our labor union)?"
I didn't know what he was talking about so I said, "No." But then he retold the story of what had happened in that documentary and asked me if I had gone to school with the suspected killer. He said that he and his wife had watched the show and it bothered them. He told his wife that the guy would probably be at the union Labor Day picnic.
His wife said, "No way. If they did a report on you like that on television would you show your face in public?"
But a couple days later, my coworker and his wife went to the picnic and, sure enough, the suspected killer was there. He recognized the guy I work with and said, "Hey! How's it going!" and shook his hand. It was funny to hear my coworker describe how his wife yelled at him, "I can't believe it! You just shook hands with a MURDERER! How could you do that?"
Later in the day I called my wife to tell her that the guy in the creepy TV murder mystery was in my trade and likely to be a coworker in the near future. She was stunned. I told her, "I actually look forward to meeting the guy so I can treat him like crap and mess with him."
My wife said, "Do you really think it's a good idea to provoke a murderer?"
I said, "The guy is a coward. He spent years of his life convincing this girl that he loves her and that he would do anything for her and that she was the most important thing to him... and then when she wasn't expecting it, he stabbed her. Do you know how easy it would be for you or me to kill the other one? I doubt this guy is quite so brave when faced with someone his own size who doesn't like him. He got away with murder once. It won't happen twice and he has nowhere left to run. He's already living with his parents."
I know there is a minority of guys out there who wish they had the guts to stab their wives who are saying, "Dude, you don't KNOW for a fact that he did it." But there aren't any other suspects and he won't cooperate with police and that's enough reason to treat him like a jerk. So he may not be in jail but it doesn't mean there won't be consequences.
There is also a channel that shows re-runs of the show "SuperNanny." I was flipping through channels one day when my wife pointed out the show and said, "This episode is about a boy that grew up in my neighborhood."
We watched it for a little while and I said, "That would be really embarrassing to be on SuperNanny. Not only do they point out what a horrible parent you are, they also break down your marraige and show you what a jerk you are."
Can you imagine if people from your childhood came up to you and said, "Bro! What's up? I saw you on SuperNanny! Dude... you really need to step up and help your wife around the house. You're a FATHER! Act like it. Welp... see you at the reunion in 10 years."
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
Moving on a scene surreal. No, my heart will never, never be far from here.
I've told you stories on my blog of times when I've suffered. The most prominent stories probably regarded the years and years that I spent working in an office, in a cubicle, in Hell, for a popular web company. They are a good business and I made good money there, but I suffered for it. It was a desperate inner-struggle everyday I had drive myself there and stare at the computer and be quiet with dark hounds with glowing red eyes and droopy jowls watching over my shoulder.
At the time, I considered the movie "Office Space" to be one of the funniest movies of all time. I still do. But what you laugh at most during that movie is the misery and absurdity these people endure just to bring home a paycheck. I would watch that movie and laugh. But it also hurt me inside. It hit too close to home. When I stopped laughing my face would distort.
I would complain to my wife, "It's so true. The suffering is real. It shouldn't be allowed. It's crazy that everyone knows how horrible it is but nobody stops it. I don't know if I can go to work tomorrow. Or ever again."
And my wife would try to calm me down and tell me not to think about it. She would try to convince me that my job was not so horrible as it actually was. More importantly, she would threaten me with the movie, Office Space, "You are not allowed to watch this movie anymore."
And anytime I would try to watch, she would try to stop me. "You're not allowed!" Because she didn't want me to get into that work funk.
That was years ago and I haven't seen her react that way to any other movie until recently.
I checked out the DVD of "Into The Wild" from our local library. If you don't know, the movie is based on a true story of a young man who finds no value in typical american culture or lifestyle. He's a nice kid from a relatively affluent family but he leaves everything behind and sets off to see the world on his own terms. He makes some friends and works on the plains for a little while. He canoes down the Colorado River down into Mexico. He makes friends in the desert and on the redwood coast of northern California. But his life ambition is to live in the wilds of Alaska.
We were probably less than 20 minutes into the movie before my wife turned to me and said "DONT. GET. ANY. IDEAS."
I hadn't said anything. I made no gesture. My wife is scared to death of the movie "Into The Wild" and sees it as the primary threat to her marraige. If the name comes up in conversation, she repeats, "Don't get any ideas."
I guess it's flattering that she sees me as that type of person. And the thought seemed to occur to her before it occured to me. And while I agree that I would make an amazing and outstanding drifter, I don't believe that a dust-in-the-wind philosophy is in my future.
Maybe my mother cured me of it before it became a problem. She fed my craving for the outdoors. It's even possible she created it. That kid grew up in a stifling city and went to stifling schools to the point where he felt like he needed to run away just to breathe. Myself, I grew up on the redwood coast and the Colorado/Green River. I'm sure I've gone places that few will ever go. I've met good people. I've been a part of beautiful things. I don't need to stare at a frozen tundra to discover the secrets of the universe.
So I feel like I have things in common with this person in the movie but I don't feel like I need to be him. And to be honest, living in the city is not my cup of tea. I tell my wife that I need a chance to miss people so I don't get into fist fights when people cut me off in traffic. I do feel like I need trees and mountains and rivers and oceans in my life.
Living in the city makes me feel like the main character from the movie "Gran Torino." And I shudder to think of the similarities I feel between myself and the grumpy old man. I guess it comes back to intolerance for this society. It does bother me to see so many people who make a living by standing around and BS-ing all day. It bothers me to see the attitudes of punk kids around our neighborhood. It bothers me to see grown men who don't seem to be capable of working because they only want to play video games all day long. And television is worse than real life. My son was quoting "Family Guy" the other day ("giggety-giggety"), which I'm sure is popular around school, and it made me want to tear someone's head off. And then I had to be a jerk and tell him that "giggety-giggety" isn't a "bad word" but that it is a part of "Family Guy" which represents everything that is wrong with entertainment.
It's okay if YOU like family guy, and I don't need to hear about it, but it offends me that such retarded crap is the epitome of comedy right now and that our kids are learning that such empty-headed, boring crap is GOOD.
There are so many better things to do with my life
At the time, I considered the movie "Office Space" to be one of the funniest movies of all time. I still do. But what you laugh at most during that movie is the misery and absurdity these people endure just to bring home a paycheck. I would watch that movie and laugh. But it also hurt me inside. It hit too close to home. When I stopped laughing my face would distort.
I would complain to my wife, "It's so true. The suffering is real. It shouldn't be allowed. It's crazy that everyone knows how horrible it is but nobody stops it. I don't know if I can go to work tomorrow. Or ever again."
And my wife would try to calm me down and tell me not to think about it. She would try to convince me that my job was not so horrible as it actually was. More importantly, she would threaten me with the movie, Office Space, "You are not allowed to watch this movie anymore."
And anytime I would try to watch, she would try to stop me. "You're not allowed!" Because she didn't want me to get into that work funk.
That was years ago and I haven't seen her react that way to any other movie until recently.
I checked out the DVD of "Into The Wild" from our local library. If you don't know, the movie is based on a true story of a young man who finds no value in typical american culture or lifestyle. He's a nice kid from a relatively affluent family but he leaves everything behind and sets off to see the world on his own terms. He makes some friends and works on the plains for a little while. He canoes down the Colorado River down into Mexico. He makes friends in the desert and on the redwood coast of northern California. But his life ambition is to live in the wilds of Alaska.
We were probably less than 20 minutes into the movie before my wife turned to me and said "DONT. GET. ANY. IDEAS."
I hadn't said anything. I made no gesture. My wife is scared to death of the movie "Into The Wild" and sees it as the primary threat to her marraige. If the name comes up in conversation, she repeats, "Don't get any ideas."
I guess it's flattering that she sees me as that type of person. And the thought seemed to occur to her before it occured to me. And while I agree that I would make an amazing and outstanding drifter, I don't believe that a dust-in-the-wind philosophy is in my future.
Maybe my mother cured me of it before it became a problem. She fed my craving for the outdoors. It's even possible she created it. That kid grew up in a stifling city and went to stifling schools to the point where he felt like he needed to run away just to breathe. Myself, I grew up on the redwood coast and the Colorado/Green River. I'm sure I've gone places that few will ever go. I've met good people. I've been a part of beautiful things. I don't need to stare at a frozen tundra to discover the secrets of the universe.
So I feel like I have things in common with this person in the movie but I don't feel like I need to be him. And to be honest, living in the city is not my cup of tea. I tell my wife that I need a chance to miss people so I don't get into fist fights when people cut me off in traffic. I do feel like I need trees and mountains and rivers and oceans in my life.
Living in the city makes me feel like the main character from the movie "Gran Torino." And I shudder to think of the similarities I feel between myself and the grumpy old man. I guess it comes back to intolerance for this society. It does bother me to see so many people who make a living by standing around and BS-ing all day. It bothers me to see the attitudes of punk kids around our neighborhood. It bothers me to see grown men who don't seem to be capable of working because they only want to play video games all day long. And television is worse than real life. My son was quoting "Family Guy" the other day ("giggety-giggety"), which I'm sure is popular around school, and it made me want to tear someone's head off. And then I had to be a jerk and tell him that "giggety-giggety" isn't a "bad word" but that it is a part of "Family Guy" which represents everything that is wrong with entertainment.
It's okay if YOU like family guy, and I don't need to hear about it, but it offends me that such retarded crap is the epitome of comedy right now and that our kids are learning that such empty-headed, boring crap is GOOD.
There are so many better things to do with my life
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
Everybody's Got Nice Stuff But Me
My wife and I took this picture in a nice neighborhood up on the east bench of Sandy. Do-it-yourself projects like this crack me up (which is not to say that I have never been guilty of any of these special projects myself).
I thought about sending the pic to thereifixedit.com but I figure they probably have enough mailbox pictures. I also think it is funny how you can forget that you were going to fix something and become completely blind to an obvious problem. In your mind, nobody notices.
I thought about sending the pic to thereifixedit.com but I figure they probably have enough mailbox pictures. I also think it is funny how you can forget that you were going to fix something and become completely blind to an obvious problem. In your mind, nobody notices.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Bodhisattva Path
We planned a trip to Zion. It was somewhat a spur of the moment decision. It was my birthday and my wife wanted to end my streak of crappy birthdays and also it is our tenth wedding anniversary next week. We don't have any money to go back to Hawaii like we wished we would but we figured we needed to go somewhere.
So we looked for cheap hotels online and got a good deal at the Holiday Inn in St. George, UT. We we arrived late to check in they were nice enough to give us the Honeymoon suite at no additional charge. Honeymoon suite means that there is a heart shaped, jetted tub (just like Dumb and Dumber!) and only three walls on the bathroom. Which meant I could look over the glass partition and watch football or the Golden Girls marathon while I was washing my hair.
As if that wasn't enough, we still traveled to Springdale where we ditched our car and headed up the canyon. We started hiking up to Angels Landing but it was very hot and my wife is terrified of heights. So we just headed to the Narrows where hot days are made more enjoyable by hiking through a chilly river.
When you're in Zion you feel like it is impossible to take a good picture because everything is so grand and panoramic that you know you can't capture the whole place in a picture but at the same time it is also difficult to take a bad picture. I did some fancy work with tape on one of these pictures to give you a better idea of what it was like to look all the up from inside the canyon.
It is also hard to go to Zion and not swing by Bryce canyon as well. Our shuttle driver said that Zion is the geographic layer on top of the Grand Canyon and Bryce Canyon is the geographic layer on top of Zion. I believe the call the whole works The Colorado Plateau.
Bryce is more enjoyable because it is higher in the mountains with cooler temperatures. Viewing points are easy to drive to and pretty astounding. We kept eating crappy food for the sake of saving time and my wife said she didn't feel like hiking down into the canyon but I couldn't help myself and told her I would just run down a trail a little ways. But that is a hard thing to do at Bryce. It just gets prettier and prettier the deeper you go and you can't stop. You always want to know what's around the next corner.
Needless to say, it was my best birthday in years and years. I missed my kids but they didn't seem like they were in any hurry to get back home. They like it at grandma's house. I also took a picture of EVERY lizard I saw for Ethan, no matter how tiny.
So we looked for cheap hotels online and got a good deal at the Holiday Inn in St. George, UT. We we arrived late to check in they were nice enough to give us the Honeymoon suite at no additional charge. Honeymoon suite means that there is a heart shaped, jetted tub (just like Dumb and Dumber!) and only three walls on the bathroom. Which meant I could look over the glass partition and watch football or the Golden Girls marathon while I was washing my hair.
As if that wasn't enough, we still traveled to Springdale where we ditched our car and headed up the canyon. We started hiking up to Angels Landing but it was very hot and my wife is terrified of heights. So we just headed to the Narrows where hot days are made more enjoyable by hiking through a chilly river.
When you're in Zion you feel like it is impossible to take a good picture because everything is so grand and panoramic that you know you can't capture the whole place in a picture but at the same time it is also difficult to take a bad picture. I did some fancy work with tape on one of these pictures to give you a better idea of what it was like to look all the up from inside the canyon.
It is also hard to go to Zion and not swing by Bryce canyon as well. Our shuttle driver said that Zion is the geographic layer on top of the Grand Canyon and Bryce Canyon is the geographic layer on top of Zion. I believe the call the whole works The Colorado Plateau.
Bryce is more enjoyable because it is higher in the mountains with cooler temperatures. Viewing points are easy to drive to and pretty astounding. We kept eating crappy food for the sake of saving time and my wife said she didn't feel like hiking down into the canyon but I couldn't help myself and told her I would just run down a trail a little ways. But that is a hard thing to do at Bryce. It just gets prettier and prettier the deeper you go and you can't stop. You always want to know what's around the next corner.
Needless to say, it was my best birthday in years and years. I missed my kids but they didn't seem like they were in any hurry to get back home. They like it at grandma's house. I also took a picture of EVERY lizard I saw for Ethan, no matter how tiny.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
This Is The Real Me, Ladies. You Won't Find No Shelter Here.
Today we were working at a giant scrap-booking compound in Provo. When we finished, we had some big cardboard boxes that needed to be put in the trash. We couldn't find a dumpster around and the truck was stuffed full so we put the garbage on the roof of the camper shell and drove down the road in search of a trash receptacle.
We spotted one behind a dance studio and as we pulled into the parking lot we noticed two girls sitting near the street. They were staring at us and only stared harder as we approached. When we past within a few feet of them, they were still staring and their faces lit up with smiles. I waved at them.
My coworker said, "Why did you wave at them? And why were they smiling at us like that? Because we're two dudes driving around together in a tiny truck? We look gay?"
I said, "Yeah. That was my sexual-harassment wave. Sometimes the only way to convince girls that you're not gay is to sexually harrass them."
Earlier, when we were eating lunch I asked him, "Did you notice that nearly every girl that works in that scrapbook place is huge and pregnant? Like they have a sign inside that says YOU MUST BE AT LEAST THIS PREGNANT TO APPLY?"
My coworker leaned close and said under his breath, "I probably shouldn't say this in the middle of a crowded restaurant but... it's a different breed of people down in Utah County."
I said, "Yeah, you shouldn't have said that. Some guy is going to jump us in the parking lot, yelling A DIFFERENT BREED WITH SUPER HEARING. KA-POW!" at which point I threw a punch into the empty air before me.
We spotted one behind a dance studio and as we pulled into the parking lot we noticed two girls sitting near the street. They were staring at us and only stared harder as we approached. When we past within a few feet of them, they were still staring and their faces lit up with smiles. I waved at them.
My coworker said, "Why did you wave at them? And why were they smiling at us like that? Because we're two dudes driving around together in a tiny truck? We look gay?"
I said, "Yeah. That was my sexual-harassment wave. Sometimes the only way to convince girls that you're not gay is to sexually harrass them."
Earlier, when we were eating lunch I asked him, "Did you notice that nearly every girl that works in that scrapbook place is huge and pregnant? Like they have a sign inside that says YOU MUST BE AT LEAST THIS PREGNANT TO APPLY?"
My coworker leaned close and said under his breath, "I probably shouldn't say this in the middle of a crowded restaurant but... it's a different breed of people down in Utah County."
I said, "Yeah, you shouldn't have said that. Some guy is going to jump us in the parking lot, yelling A DIFFERENT BREED WITH SUPER HEARING. KA-POW!" at which point I threw a punch into the empty air before me.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Girls in White Dresses with Blue Satin Sashes
We were doing some work at a university. We sat down on a grassy hill in front of our parked cars to take a break at about 9 am. We were eating some snacks under some trees that grew these puffy pods on them. My coworker was breaking the pods open and found they had things that looked like peas inside of them. He started bouncing the peas off the windshields of our cars and soon started giggling as he attempted to do complicated bounces off of several cars.
He said, "I don't know why I get such a kick out of this but I do."
I said, "That's good. It's important to have small things in your life that make you really happy. Five years from now, when your wife hates you and you're going through an awful divorce, it will seem like the world is ending but you can just decide to go outside and bounce some peas off your windshield and then things won't seem quite as bad anymore."
He said, "I don't know why I get such a kick out of this but I do."
I said, "That's good. It's important to have small things in your life that make you really happy. Five years from now, when your wife hates you and you're going through an awful divorce, it will seem like the world is ending but you can just decide to go outside and bounce some peas off your windshield and then things won't seem quite as bad anymore."
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Carry Stress In The Jaw
M: "Look at K, she has a butt-chin."
K: "No, I don't."
M: "You totally have a butt-chin."
K: "Well, you have the same butt-chin that I do except yours is hairy."
Me: "Your chin is a Mel-Gibson-butt-chin."
M: "There's nothing wrong with being told you look like Mel Gibson."
Me: "But there is something wrong with being told you look like you have Mel Gibson's butt on your face."
K: "No, I don't."
M: "You totally have a butt-chin."
K: "Well, you have the same butt-chin that I do except yours is hairy."
Me: "Your chin is a Mel-Gibson-butt-chin."
M: "There's nothing wrong with being told you look like Mel Gibson."
Me: "But there is something wrong with being told you look like you have Mel Gibson's butt on your face."
Thursday, August 06, 2009
Problem Free Philosophy
"I know we need to replace at least one and probably two of these but we'll take four, just in case."
"Yes. It's good to be prepared. They sing a song about it in The Lion King."
"I only remember the one, I Just Can't Wait To Be King."
"That's the Good-Guy song. The Bad-Guy song is Be Prepared. I suppose that might send a crossed message though: Having the good guys sing a song how great it will be to become king so you can boss everyone around and then have the bad guys sing a song about the importance of being prepared. It's confusing. Who do you listen to?"
"Yes. It's good to be prepared. They sing a song about it in The Lion King."
"I only remember the one, I Just Can't Wait To Be King."
"That's the Good-Guy song. The Bad-Guy song is Be Prepared. I suppose that might send a crossed message though: Having the good guys sing a song how great it will be to become king so you can boss everyone around and then have the bad guys sing a song about the importance of being prepared. It's confusing. Who do you listen to?"
Friday, July 31, 2009
You Do Your Best To Avoid Assimilation. Well, I Guess That's The Best You Can Do.
That last post kind of followed the line of talk my wife gave me a little while ago. She asked me if I was becoming a hillbilly. I work with some country boys and spend the majority of my day with them.
Lately, I have been saying "Muh" instead of "My" and "Tuh" instead of "To" and "Morenun" instead of "Morning" and "Tuh-day" instead of "Today."
I think that in my mind I realize I'm saying these words with strange inflections and subconciously I think I'm being funny like when Lisa Simpson imagines a future where she gives up and marries Ralph Wiggum and becomes a fat immobile slug in a hammock inside her trailer and yells at her kids, "Don't bug mom-muh when I'm watchin' muh stories." By which she means the television.
But lately I've barely realized that I've been talking that way and I talk that way far too much for it to be a joke anymore. I also expect to work with the country boys for several years to come.
What can I do?
Lately, I have been saying "Muh" instead of "My" and "Tuh" instead of "To" and "Morenun" instead of "Morning" and "Tuh-day" instead of "Today."
I think that in my mind I realize I'm saying these words with strange inflections and subconciously I think I'm being funny like when Lisa Simpson imagines a future where she gives up and marries Ralph Wiggum and becomes a fat immobile slug in a hammock inside her trailer and yells at her kids, "Don't bug mom-muh when I'm watchin' muh stories." By which she means the television.
But lately I've barely realized that I've been talking that way and I talk that way far too much for it to be a joke anymore. I also expect to work with the country boys for several years to come.
What can I do?
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Though I Wish You Were There, I Was Less Than You Could Bear and I'm Not The Only Dust My Mother Raised
As you may or may not imagine, conversations between my wife and myself end in strange places. We were deep into a conversation the other day while driving when my wife ended the conversation with an emphatic:
"I don't care who you are... if you've eaten bear before I'm going to call you HILLBILLY. No exceptions!"
"I don't care who you are... if you've eaten bear before I'm going to call you HILLBILLY. No exceptions!"
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Was this over before it ever began?
It was not my intention to disappear like I did. It seems like everytime a bad thing comes my way, it starts a chain reaction of bad things and soon my daily routines are gone as though they never existed. Usually, I adapt pretty quickly but I must say that I did miss having a computer and use of the internet after a couple of months.
At the other end of the spectrum, there seem to be a great number of people who have absolutely nothing going on in their lives who still like to tell people all about it with hourly posts on Facebook and Twitter.
Of course I've been busy without fail and I'm trying to enjoy the summer. We took the kids to the waterslide this morning and I played baseball with some neighborhood boys the other night. But I've also been working a ton and doing things like installing a water heater. Yay!
I heard about these artists Madeline Gins and Arakawa who design houses based on the concept that people should keep themselves in an environment where they cannot get comfortable. The idea is that people won't sit around staring at the tv or computer. They will get up and get active and ultimately live a longer and healthier life.
It's an interesting hypothesis but I feel that it is unnecessary to DESIGN a house to be uncomfortable. If I have to do homework or if I want to write or read a book and the room is a mess, I can't stand to be there and I'll usually find something else to do. Sometimes I clean the place but it makes me mad because I showed up to do something enjoyable and ended up cleaning. But what I'm really trying to say is that life seems to have a natural tendency towards chaos and disorder and it's kind of our job as the intelligent little crawly things on this planet to organize and rebuild useful things.
One of several crappy companies I have worked for had an orientation for newly hired people. The master of the ceremony mentioned that we may have heard bad rumors about the company and had this to say about any such rumors: "Any mule can kick down a barn but it takes a good architect to build one." Meaning that it's easy to complain about your job but it's difficult to start and maintain a successful business. But it's funny because it was kind of like the guy was saying, "We know we suck but we'd like to see you do better!"
It's a strange notion to have to CREATE an awkward environment around yourself. I seem to find myself in that situation nearly everywhere I go. If you look around, I'm sure there is plenty to do. And don't you want a long, loooooong life of steady work? With that being said, I think we should all go fold some laundry.
At the other end of the spectrum, there seem to be a great number of people who have absolutely nothing going on in their lives who still like to tell people all about it with hourly posts on Facebook and Twitter.
Of course I've been busy without fail and I'm trying to enjoy the summer. We took the kids to the waterslide this morning and I played baseball with some neighborhood boys the other night. But I've also been working a ton and doing things like installing a water heater. Yay!
I heard about these artists Madeline Gins and Arakawa who design houses based on the concept that people should keep themselves in an environment where they cannot get comfortable. The idea is that people won't sit around staring at the tv or computer. They will get up and get active and ultimately live a longer and healthier life.
It's an interesting hypothesis but I feel that it is unnecessary to DESIGN a house to be uncomfortable. If I have to do homework or if I want to write or read a book and the room is a mess, I can't stand to be there and I'll usually find something else to do. Sometimes I clean the place but it makes me mad because I showed up to do something enjoyable and ended up cleaning. But what I'm really trying to say is that life seems to have a natural tendency towards chaos and disorder and it's kind of our job as the intelligent little crawly things on this planet to organize and rebuild useful things.
One of several crappy companies I have worked for had an orientation for newly hired people. The master of the ceremony mentioned that we may have heard bad rumors about the company and had this to say about any such rumors: "Any mule can kick down a barn but it takes a good architect to build one." Meaning that it's easy to complain about your job but it's difficult to start and maintain a successful business. But it's funny because it was kind of like the guy was saying, "We know we suck but we'd like to see you do better!"
It's a strange notion to have to CREATE an awkward environment around yourself. I seem to find myself in that situation nearly everywhere I go. If you look around, I'm sure there is plenty to do. And don't you want a long, loooooong life of steady work? With that being said, I think we should all go fold some laundry.
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
And That's The Way It Was And We Liked It!
I must be getting old because I keep getting it in my head that things made today are cheap knock offs of those from yesterday.
For instance, you can't find a steel snow shovel. All you can buy are plastic and aluminum snow shovels that fall to pieces after one winter of shovelling. An old man backed into our minivan at the bank and had to buy us a new headlight. Our original headlights on the van were all old and cloudy and looked like crap. When the shop replaced our broken headlight, I asked how much it would cost to replace the second light. The shop said $350. For a headlight. I can get a headlight replacement for my 1992 Jeep and replace it in about 5 minutes for $10. My minivan doesn't even have HID lights or anything. Just a typical headlight that functions fine but looks like crap. $350.
But I actually think it's strange that the autobody industry exists. It's an industry where thousands of businesses wait around for good, everyday people to crash their cars. They don't care if you hit a pole in a parking lot or if you slam into cars while you're running a red light. They'll just hang out waiting for misfortune to hit you and then cash in when it does. People don't seem to do much to prevent accidents. They don't even put bumpers on cars anymore. They just wait for you to crash. Have you ever asked about getting a car painted when someone's insurance ISN'T going to pay for it. Autobody shops freak out. It's just like not having health insurance. Because it's all about getting checks from insurance companies.
When I got married in 1999, we bought ourselves a DVD player for Christmas. We got an awesome discount and brought that puppy home for $200. We used that DVD player until late 2007. By then it was a noisy old clunker so I packed it up and put it in the closet. Since 2007, we have gone through at least 4 more DVD players. They seem to last about 6 months before they die. I finally got bothered to the point where I pulled the old clunker out of our closet and started using that one again because I'm positive that it will last more than 6 months.
My pants are worn out. My wallet is falling apart. My computer is barely alive. And these things don't just nickel and dime you, EVERYTHING seems to cost somewhere between $50 and $500 anymore.
If my Jazzy wasn't on the fritz I would use it to roll on Washington.
For instance, you can't find a steel snow shovel. All you can buy are plastic and aluminum snow shovels that fall to pieces after one winter of shovelling. An old man backed into our minivan at the bank and had to buy us a new headlight. Our original headlights on the van were all old and cloudy and looked like crap. When the shop replaced our broken headlight, I asked how much it would cost to replace the second light. The shop said $350. For a headlight. I can get a headlight replacement for my 1992 Jeep and replace it in about 5 minutes for $10. My minivan doesn't even have HID lights or anything. Just a typical headlight that functions fine but looks like crap. $350.
But I actually think it's strange that the autobody industry exists. It's an industry where thousands of businesses wait around for good, everyday people to crash their cars. They don't care if you hit a pole in a parking lot or if you slam into cars while you're running a red light. They'll just hang out waiting for misfortune to hit you and then cash in when it does. People don't seem to do much to prevent accidents. They don't even put bumpers on cars anymore. They just wait for you to crash. Have you ever asked about getting a car painted when someone's insurance ISN'T going to pay for it. Autobody shops freak out. It's just like not having health insurance. Because it's all about getting checks from insurance companies.
When I got married in 1999, we bought ourselves a DVD player for Christmas. We got an awesome discount and brought that puppy home for $200. We used that DVD player until late 2007. By then it was a noisy old clunker so I packed it up and put it in the closet. Since 2007, we have gone through at least 4 more DVD players. They seem to last about 6 months before they die. I finally got bothered to the point where I pulled the old clunker out of our closet and started using that one again because I'm positive that it will last more than 6 months.
My pants are worn out. My wallet is falling apart. My computer is barely alive. And these things don't just nickel and dime you, EVERYTHING seems to cost somewhere between $50 and $500 anymore.
If my Jazzy wasn't on the fritz I would use it to roll on Washington.
Sunday, May 03, 2009
Tell Your Children Not To Walk My Way
About this time last year, my wife hung a windchime in front of our house. Within a week or so it had disappeared. Last Christmas, I bought my wife some copper-looking sun and moon lights to put in the ground along the walkway to our front door.
When I got home the other day I realized that someone had stolen all of the moon ornaments. One moon was left behind because the thief broke it as they tried to pull it out of the ground. The suns were untouched. My wife hung a new windchime in front of our house and I checked to see if it had been stolen, too. It's still hanging there.
I told my wife about the theft and before I could say it, she said, "I think some punk kid in our neighborhood is coming over every spring to steal his mom a Mother's Day present from our yard."
I said, "That's exactly what I was thinking. They didn't steal the new windchime because that's what mom got last year."
After Mother's Day, we're going to cruise around the neighborhood and see if we can find our moons in someone's yard.
When I got home the other day I realized that someone had stolen all of the moon ornaments. One moon was left behind because the thief broke it as they tried to pull it out of the ground. The suns were untouched. My wife hung a new windchime in front of our house and I checked to see if it had been stolen, too. It's still hanging there.
I told my wife about the theft and before I could say it, she said, "I think some punk kid in our neighborhood is coming over every spring to steal his mom a Mother's Day present from our yard."
I said, "That's exactly what I was thinking. They didn't steal the new windchime because that's what mom got last year."
After Mother's Day, we're going to cruise around the neighborhood and see if we can find our moons in someone's yard.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
You're Gonna Get Yourself Knocked Down And You Better Learn To Stand Back Up For Those That Dwell On Disaster Let Sorrow Be Their Master
I was just remembering a day from my senior year in high school. There was a girl who seemed out to get me in a romantic way. I don't know if she was nice or not. She always just asked me to give her a ride home. I don't know much about her personality. She always just wanted me to drive her home.
I did once. Usually I said no. One day I told her I would sit with her until her bus came. We just sat there in the sun, not saying much. We decided we should do something so I asked, "Do you want to fall over backwards and I'll catch you (a.k.a The Trust Game)?"
She said, "Okay."
And I hopped up and I was about to jump over the railing to get behind her but by the time my feet were under me, she was already flopping off the rail backwards. I stood there in front of her and watched her as she hit the ground, flat on her back.
She immediately started yelling at me, "YOU'RE A JERK!!!"
I said, "You weren't supposed to fall yet. You were supposed to wait until I got behind you."
Her first mistake was trusting me. Which isn't a bad thing in and of itself but I suppose the lesson of this story is that: If you're going to trust me, you need to give me half a second to get behind you.
I was just remembering that today and it made me laugh.
I did once. Usually I said no. One day I told her I would sit with her until her bus came. We just sat there in the sun, not saying much. We decided we should do something so I asked, "Do you want to fall over backwards and I'll catch you (a.k.a The Trust Game)?"
She said, "Okay."
And I hopped up and I was about to jump over the railing to get behind her but by the time my feet were under me, she was already flopping off the rail backwards. I stood there in front of her and watched her as she hit the ground, flat on her back.
She immediately started yelling at me, "YOU'RE A JERK!!!"
I said, "You weren't supposed to fall yet. You were supposed to wait until I got behind you."
Her first mistake was trusting me. Which isn't a bad thing in and of itself but I suppose the lesson of this story is that: If you're going to trust me, you need to give me half a second to get behind you.
I was just remembering that today and it made me laugh.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Gayboobs
My wife and I were watching a DVD I checked out from the library the other night.
Her: "This is the longest and WORST movie I've ever seen."
Me: "It has a lot of good actors in it: Tom Cruise, Julianne Moore, William H. Macy. Philip Seymour Hoffman... I figured it must be alright but it's gayboobs."
Her: "This movie really is gayboobs. It would have made so much more sense if the name of the movie was Gayboobs. There was a gay guy in it, there were boobs in it. But what does a Magnolia have to do with the movie. Nothing!"
Her: "This is the longest and WORST movie I've ever seen."
Me: "It has a lot of good actors in it: Tom Cruise, Julianne Moore, William H. Macy. Philip Seymour Hoffman... I figured it must be alright but it's gayboobs."
Her: "This movie really is gayboobs. It would have made so much more sense if the name of the movie was Gayboobs. There was a gay guy in it, there were boobs in it. But what does a Magnolia have to do with the movie. Nothing!"
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