There is a word that I don't think of nor use very often. When I use the word in conversation, I have a doubt about the correct enunciation but I don't worry about. I just let it rip.
The word is "SCARCE." When it comes out of my mouth, I usually pronounce it as SCAR-ce. When I do that, people freak out. What did you say? That is not even a word? It has happened a few times and I am amazed that people find it so disturbing.
My brother-in-law even gave me a grammar lesson on silent-E's and gates and all that. He told me it should always be pronounced SCARE-ce. But there are many words that break that long-vowel/gate rule; like have, give and most of all FARCE.
I'm just going to think of it as one of those "you say tomato, I say tornado" things.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Rice is Nice
Eleanor: "I'm going to make teriyaki chicken for dinner but I don't want to because I know that the rice will be gross."
Me: "You're in a rice-funk. You've convinced yourself you will always mess up the rice and you won't make any good rice until you've moved past that."
Eleanor: "I know. I have no rice-confidence."
The rice was fine.
Me: "You're in a rice-funk. You've convinced yourself you will always mess up the rice and you won't make any good rice until you've moved past that."
Eleanor: "I know. I have no rice-confidence."
The rice was fine.
Saturday, May 27, 2006
Tragic: The Ramen Canoodler
Sorry. I couldn't help it. I just wanted to draw The Ramen Canoodler.His fighting style is to lose miserably until his girlfriend, Sweet'n'Sour Jane, feeds him a panful of Ramen. Then he comes back with a vengeance. Let's say he is relatively harmless but, after prolonged exposure, you may suffer dizziness, headaches or heart palpitations.
Flip This
The house-hunting is a mental strain. We have seen a couple houses that we have been really interested in but they are sold within a day or two. I can handle that.
What really upsets me is when the same house comes back on the market a month or two later with minor "improvements" made and a new price tag that is $50,000 - $100,000+ more than what they bought it for. It's ridiculous. These do-nothing investors go out there looking to make a buck by buying all of the affordable housing, putting in some new carpeting or adding an asphalt parking-pad and then jack up the price.
It is difficult for us to compete because we need to sell our house and buy a new one at roughly the same time. It's tricky. It will be very hard to hit that window of time on a nice piece of property BEFORE the jerkwads put their new price on it but that's what we are trying to do.
I'm starting to strongly dislike people who try to make a living flipping houses. When we sell our house I will cut a good deal to a family who actually wants to live here and milk any investor who wants to buy for every penny I can get.
What really upsets me is when the same house comes back on the market a month or two later with minor "improvements" made and a new price tag that is $50,000 - $100,000+ more than what they bought it for. It's ridiculous. These do-nothing investors go out there looking to make a buck by buying all of the affordable housing, putting in some new carpeting or adding an asphalt parking-pad and then jack up the price.
It is difficult for us to compete because we need to sell our house and buy a new one at roughly the same time. It's tricky. It will be very hard to hit that window of time on a nice piece of property BEFORE the jerkwads put their new price on it but that's what we are trying to do.
I'm starting to strongly dislike people who try to make a living flipping houses. When we sell our house I will cut a good deal to a family who actually wants to live here and milk any investor who wants to buy for every penny I can get.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Pigskin
I realized that the company I work for deals in a lot of pork rinds. But they don't call them pork rinds. They gave them a new name that makes them sound like a little somethin' granny whipped up in the kitchen.
It's funny how well that works with people. If all food names were as honest as "pork rinds" then foods like Jello and hotdogs just wouldn't make it as household products. But throw in some food coloring and tack on an agreeable misnomer and it can be a hit.
Examples of good naming are things like "Beef Jerky." How much tougher can you get than "Beef Jerky?" Even "Ramen" noodles. Sounds like "Raw Men," and who doesn't like those? It could even work as the name as a WWF wrestler: The Ramen Canoodler. Sounds like some rugged dude who will twist you into a pretzel at the sound of a bell. The Ramen Canoodler should be the arch rival of Nacho Libre.
Bon Appétit.
It's funny how well that works with people. If all food names were as honest as "pork rinds" then foods like Jello and hotdogs just wouldn't make it as household products. But throw in some food coloring and tack on an agreeable misnomer and it can be a hit.
Examples of good naming are things like "Beef Jerky." How much tougher can you get than "Beef Jerky?" Even "Ramen" noodles. Sounds like "Raw Men," and who doesn't like those? It could even work as the name as a WWF wrestler: The Ramen Canoodler. Sounds like some rugged dude who will twist you into a pretzel at the sound of a bell. The Ramen Canoodler should be the arch rival of Nacho Libre.
Bon Appétit.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Ralph as in Puke
The other night I came home from work to find our bed full of puke. I had to sleep on the couch. Our baby was sick and then my wife got sick and last night I got sick and had to call out from work.
For a moment I got excited, thinking: Yes! A three day weekend!
I had all these visions of driving down to Zion's National Park or something like that. About two minutes later I was kneeling on the floor trying not to throw up. Thinking: That's right. I almost forgot about the dry heaves and diarrhea. I guess it will still be a while before we can take a vacation.
I'm mostly better. Still a little tired. But our daughter just threw up all over her Carebear pillow. I better go wash up all the puke-beds.
For a moment I got excited, thinking: Yes! A three day weekend!
I had all these visions of driving down to Zion's National Park or something like that. About two minutes later I was kneeling on the floor trying not to throw up. Thinking: That's right. I almost forgot about the dry heaves and diarrhea. I guess it will still be a while before we can take a vacation.
I'm mostly better. Still a little tired. But our daughter just threw up all over her Carebear pillow. I better go wash up all the puke-beds.
Only One Man would Dare to give Me the Raspberry: LoneStar!
I feel really bad for closet-gay people. It must be especially hard to be a closet-gay Mormon because the church tries to explain your sexuality to you. Essentially, that you are choosing to be evil. If it was as easy as choosing, there are several people I have met who would CHOOSE to be completely different people.
Until they have that option, though, they will roam the earth jammin' up the Gay-dar. But here are some tips if you are gay and wish that you weren't:
Don't make statements like:
"I am so mad I got that DWI (DUI). I could have spent that money on a whole new wardrobe."
The word "wardrobe" is a dead give away. And complaining about how you'd like to go clothes shopping also doesn't help.
Don't say:
"If God wants to marry a woman, why does he keep sending me all these bad experiences with them."
There is an 18-year-old who just got hired on at my job. Classic case:
He went home early on his second day of work because he had "a migraine." Even if you have a legitimate migraine, don't call it that. You may as well say you have pre-mentstrual cramps. Just say, "my head hurts."
He also plays the viola and talks about it non-stop. He has a second job building and repairing violas. He says he studies under the top-viola-teacher at BYU but refuses to enroll and become a music major because, "they would make me learn other instruments." This, despite his dream of becoming a professional voila player.
Another topic he brings up is how he likes to crochet beanies in his spare time. He's making one for a guy at work.
Also Don't:
Walk behind me, proceeding to say, "Emmett has 'shampoo commercial hair.'" Four times in the space of a minute. I heard you and I chose to ignore you.
Don't:
Spend a lot of money on expensive, stylish safety glasses so you can look good working in a warehouse.
He also said, "It's funny to hear you talk about your wife because you look younger than I do."
I said, "I pretty much look the same as the picture on my first driver's license. Same haircut and everything."
He said, "You must have been a super-stud."
Not a good sign.
He and I both probably weigh about 150 but he expressed concern over the amount of "carbs" in my dinner.
There is so much to cover but this should be a good start.
Until they have that option, though, they will roam the earth jammin' up the Gay-dar. But here are some tips if you are gay and wish that you weren't:
Don't make statements like:
"I am so mad I got that DWI (DUI). I could have spent that money on a whole new wardrobe."
The word "wardrobe" is a dead give away. And complaining about how you'd like to go clothes shopping also doesn't help.
Don't say:
"If God wants to marry a woman, why does he keep sending me all these bad experiences with them."
There is an 18-year-old who just got hired on at my job. Classic case:
He went home early on his second day of work because he had "a migraine." Even if you have a legitimate migraine, don't call it that. You may as well say you have pre-mentstrual cramps. Just say, "my head hurts."
He also plays the viola and talks about it non-stop. He has a second job building and repairing violas. He says he studies under the top-viola-teacher at BYU but refuses to enroll and become a music major because, "they would make me learn other instruments." This, despite his dream of becoming a professional voila player.
Another topic he brings up is how he likes to crochet beanies in his spare time. He's making one for a guy at work.
Also Don't:
Walk behind me, proceeding to say, "Emmett has 'shampoo commercial hair.'" Four times in the space of a minute. I heard you and I chose to ignore you.
Don't:
Spend a lot of money on expensive, stylish safety glasses so you can look good working in a warehouse.
He also said, "It's funny to hear you talk about your wife because you look younger than I do."
I said, "I pretty much look the same as the picture on my first driver's license. Same haircut and everything."
He said, "You must have been a super-stud."
Not a good sign.
He and I both probably weigh about 150 but he expressed concern over the amount of "carbs" in my dinner.
There is so much to cover but this should be a good start.
Monday, May 22, 2006
Hanging Chad
I told you about the guy from work named Chad. He is the one I've been seeing about starting a band with. He's been calling a lot lately wanting to get together but I'm never around when he does.
My wife said, "There are a few messages on the answering machine from Chad from the furniture store. One of them is normal and the other one, he sounds like a nervous telemarketer wanting to know why you quit and how the job could have been better."
I laughed and said, "I can see Chad doing that."
And Chad called again yesterday, regarding "jamming." So this morning, my wife said, "Chad is on the phone... from the furniture store." And she pointed at the message she took yesterday: "Chad. Jam."
I answered the phone.
Him: "Hi, Emmett? This is Chad from the furniture store. I am doing a survey of employees that have recently quit and wanted to know if there were any particular reasons why you left."
Me: "Is this multiple choice? Mark me down for: It sucked ass."
Him: "What? No, it's not multiple choice. Just any reason you can think of."
Me: "Is this Chad? C'mon. Stop messing around. What have you been doing lately?"
Him: "Yes, it's Chad. I've just been working."
Me: "Me too."
Him: "So why did you leave the company?"
Me: "Um. The benefits were too expensive."
Him: "Okay. Well, that concludes my survey. Thank you."
TWO CHADS? Calling at the same time from the same company for completely different purposes? I thought there was no such thing as coincidence. Oh well.
My wife said, "There are a few messages on the answering machine from Chad from the furniture store. One of them is normal and the other one, he sounds like a nervous telemarketer wanting to know why you quit and how the job could have been better."
I laughed and said, "I can see Chad doing that."
And Chad called again yesterday, regarding "jamming." So this morning, my wife said, "Chad is on the phone... from the furniture store." And she pointed at the message she took yesterday: "Chad. Jam."
I answered the phone.
Him: "Hi, Emmett? This is Chad from the furniture store. I am doing a survey of employees that have recently quit and wanted to know if there were any particular reasons why you left."
Me: "Is this multiple choice? Mark me down for: It sucked ass."
Him: "What? No, it's not multiple choice. Just any reason you can think of."
Me: "Is this Chad? C'mon. Stop messing around. What have you been doing lately?"
Him: "Yes, it's Chad. I've just been working."
Me: "Me too."
Him: "So why did you leave the company?"
Me: "Um. The benefits were too expensive."
Him: "Okay. Well, that concludes my survey. Thank you."
TWO CHADS? Calling at the same time from the same company for completely different purposes? I thought there was no such thing as coincidence. Oh well.
A Degree or Two Off
My wife is feeling the sting of not finishing college. She is a "Para-Professional" (fancy talk for "teacher's aide") at an alternative high school here in the city. She has been working there for five years and she enjoys it.
People have asked her for years (myself included) why she does not finish school and become a legitimate teacher, as she seems to love her job. She usually responds that she would only want to teach in the program that she is currently working, and after finishing school it would probably take her entire career to obtain such a position.
But the teacher she works with has been very sick and even had to resign due to his illness. It's bad. He tries to force himself to continue but most the time he finds it is too difficult even just to walk to his car.
I wish I could blab about the teacher's name because it's funny, but this is the internet and I don't want to be broadcasting his personal info all over. Anyway, the teacher has not been able to make it to class since before Christmas. My wife has been running the class. The school brings in substitutes but they are more of burden to my wife than a help. They basically get paid to sit there all day. Sometimes they even sleep in class.
This has added some stress in our lives because now my wife has to cover extra hours. The program is for students who work full-time and only show up occassionally. It gets very complicated and overall, my wife has 85 students that she is responsible for. Most of them are trying to graduate or pass the GED by the end of the year. (The school is ranked in the top ten in the nation for keeping kids in school, as opposed to dropping out. I think they say the drop-out rate in America may be up to 30% of high school students.)
Of course, my wife is not appreciated for anything she does. The administration all acts like it's just part of her duties to take over for the salaried teacher. My wife get's annoyed by it but she knows that she is there for the kids and that their HS degrees are more important than unappreciative principals.
It is funny and it makes us want to kick ourselves because, in seeking out a new teacher to run the class from now on, the principals are constantly coming up to wife, "You don't happen to have a 4 year degree do you?" They ask her just about every day. If she did, they would give her the job. Pretty much her dream job. But no. It is not meant to be.
The pen is mightier than the sword and a piece of paper can be stronger than the Great Wall of China.
People have asked her for years (myself included) why she does not finish school and become a legitimate teacher, as she seems to love her job. She usually responds that she would only want to teach in the program that she is currently working, and after finishing school it would probably take her entire career to obtain such a position.
But the teacher she works with has been very sick and even had to resign due to his illness. It's bad. He tries to force himself to continue but most the time he finds it is too difficult even just to walk to his car.
I wish I could blab about the teacher's name because it's funny, but this is the internet and I don't want to be broadcasting his personal info all over. Anyway, the teacher has not been able to make it to class since before Christmas. My wife has been running the class. The school brings in substitutes but they are more of burden to my wife than a help. They basically get paid to sit there all day. Sometimes they even sleep in class.
This has added some stress in our lives because now my wife has to cover extra hours. The program is for students who work full-time and only show up occassionally. It gets very complicated and overall, my wife has 85 students that she is responsible for. Most of them are trying to graduate or pass the GED by the end of the year. (The school is ranked in the top ten in the nation for keeping kids in school, as opposed to dropping out. I think they say the drop-out rate in America may be up to 30% of high school students.)
Of course, my wife is not appreciated for anything she does. The administration all acts like it's just part of her duties to take over for the salaried teacher. My wife get's annoyed by it but she knows that she is there for the kids and that their HS degrees are more important than unappreciative principals.
It is funny and it makes us want to kick ourselves because, in seeking out a new teacher to run the class from now on, the principals are constantly coming up to wife, "You don't happen to have a 4 year degree do you?" They ask her just about every day. If she did, they would give her the job. Pretty much her dream job. But no. It is not meant to be.
The pen is mightier than the sword and a piece of paper can be stronger than the Great Wall of China.
Just a Man and his Will to Survive
They worked me really hard tonight. It got me thinking:
Practically everyone would be grossed out at the idea of drinking a bucket of monkey snot. But if you were dying of thirst out in the desert or lost at sea, eventually everyone would drink it, were they were fortunate enough to find such a bucket.
Things like that should be the prizes for the "challenges" on Survivor. Then it would be worth tuning in to.
Practically everyone would be grossed out at the idea of drinking a bucket of monkey snot. But if you were dying of thirst out in the desert or lost at sea, eventually everyone would drink it, were they were fortunate enough to find such a bucket.
Things like that should be the prizes for the "challenges" on Survivor. Then it would be worth tuning in to.
Saturday, May 20, 2006
Movies I SHOULD Hate but DON'T
TWISTER
Helen Hunt kind of bugs me. And Bill Paxton will always be the mean, older brother from Weird Science to me. Or that punk guy that gets killed at the beginning of The Terminator. Throughout the movie, TWISTER, I'm sitting there hoping Bill will stay with the sex-therapist. The risk vs. the reward of what they are trying to accomplish with tornados isn't very convincing... and yet, through it all, I have seen the movie several times and I still don't hate it. There must be some subtle underlying aspect I like. C'mon, it's not like I like Congo.
THE BRADY BUNCH MOVIE/A VERY BRADY SEQUEL
When the movie came out I wrote it off as nonsense. I was right, but after being subjected to reruns on HBO the humor sunk in: The family oblivious that the 60's were over. Jan on the brink of insanity and hearing voices. The part where she growls in a monster voice, "It's me. The NEW Jan Brady." Cracks me up.
Our old neighbor, Jon, from Flaming Gorge used to walk around singing Greg's hokey song, "Clowns never laughed before... ponies never ran..." That may have something to do with it.
Last week, I accompanied Ethan's kindergarten class to the Hogle Zoo. When we were riding the school bus back home all of the windows were down. (I had flashbacks of Ms. Dickerson bundled up in her winter coat on a sub-zero morning riding the bus through those colorful canyons with her window down while everyone behind her froze). Anyway, it was windy and my hair was blowing everywhere. A kindergartener yelled at me, "You're hair is blowing all over."
And I almost yelled back Shelly Long's line from the sequel, "It's a good thing I use Aquanet!" I didn't... because I'm much too cool for that.
In summation: I like the Brady Movies. Can you believe the dad is Lumbergh from Office Space?
GONE IN 60 SECONDS
The premise: Some dork has to steal a million cars in one night or his brother gets it. It sounds like something I would hate. But I watch it and it doesn't seem to bother me. I might even go so far as to say, "I enjoy it." Must be Nick Cage and Angelina... and all those cool cars.
LEGALLY BLONDE
Watched it with my wife. Reese Witherspoon is just too likable. And she ends up with a guy named Emmett.
TITANIC
A lot of people don't like it. I like it okay. I like Kate Winslet and I used to hate Leo but he won me over by making some decent films. It was the first movie I saw with my wife, before we were dating and stuff (I still sat by her).
FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY
Okay. I just put this in here to bother Minnow. I haven't seen the movie. I would expect to hate it but who can say until we all sit down together and watch it.
Helen Hunt kind of bugs me. And Bill Paxton will always be the mean, older brother from Weird Science to me. Or that punk guy that gets killed at the beginning of The Terminator. Throughout the movie, TWISTER, I'm sitting there hoping Bill will stay with the sex-therapist. The risk vs. the reward of what they are trying to accomplish with tornados isn't very convincing... and yet, through it all, I have seen the movie several times and I still don't hate it. There must be some subtle underlying aspect I like. C'mon, it's not like I like Congo.
THE BRADY BUNCH MOVIE/A VERY BRADY SEQUEL
When the movie came out I wrote it off as nonsense. I was right, but after being subjected to reruns on HBO the humor sunk in: The family oblivious that the 60's were over. Jan on the brink of insanity and hearing voices. The part where she growls in a monster voice, "It's me. The NEW Jan Brady." Cracks me up.
Our old neighbor, Jon, from Flaming Gorge used to walk around singing Greg's hokey song, "Clowns never laughed before... ponies never ran..." That may have something to do with it.
Last week, I accompanied Ethan's kindergarten class to the Hogle Zoo. When we were riding the school bus back home all of the windows were down. (I had flashbacks of Ms. Dickerson bundled up in her winter coat on a sub-zero morning riding the bus through those colorful canyons with her window down while everyone behind her froze). Anyway, it was windy and my hair was blowing everywhere. A kindergartener yelled at me, "You're hair is blowing all over."
And I almost yelled back Shelly Long's line from the sequel, "It's a good thing I use Aquanet!" I didn't... because I'm much too cool for that.
In summation: I like the Brady Movies. Can you believe the dad is Lumbergh from Office Space?
GONE IN 60 SECONDS
The premise: Some dork has to steal a million cars in one night or his brother gets it. It sounds like something I would hate. But I watch it and it doesn't seem to bother me. I might even go so far as to say, "I enjoy it." Must be Nick Cage and Angelina... and all those cool cars.
LEGALLY BLONDE
Watched it with my wife. Reese Witherspoon is just too likable. And she ends up with a guy named Emmett.
TITANIC
A lot of people don't like it. I like it okay. I like Kate Winslet and I used to hate Leo but he won me over by making some decent films. It was the first movie I saw with my wife, before we were dating and stuff (I still sat by her).
FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY
Okay. I just put this in here to bother Minnow. I haven't seen the movie. I would expect to hate it but who can say until we all sit down together and watch it.
More Wicked Witchery than Stevie Nicks
The 3-year-old is getting too smart. We may have to destroy her for the good of mankind. The other day she used SARCASM against me. She's 3. Barely 3!
Olivia: "Where did mommy go?"
Me: "She ran inside the restaurant to get you a burrito because you're being a whiny crybaby."
Olivia: "I'm not a whiny crybaby. I'm Olivia (pronounced "Owivia")."
Me: "Yeah, but 'Olivia' is spanish for 'Whiny Crybaby.'"
Olivia: "Funnyyyyy."
Me: "What did you say?"
Olivia: "Funnyyyyyy, dad."
And today her mother confronted her about a puddle of urine on the bathroom floor.
My wife: "Olivia, who peed on the floor in the bathroom?"
And in the same manner her father defended himself against interrogation in high school, Olivia said, "Maybe it was you, mom."
But we found your soiled undies in the bathroom trashcan, little girl! You're busted and you aren't going to talk or smile your way out of it!
Olivia: "Where did mommy go?"
Me: "She ran inside the restaurant to get you a burrito because you're being a whiny crybaby."
Olivia: "I'm not a whiny crybaby. I'm Olivia (pronounced "Owivia")."
Me: "Yeah, but 'Olivia' is spanish for 'Whiny Crybaby.'"
Olivia: "Funnyyyyy."
Me: "What did you say?"
Olivia: "Funnyyyyyy, dad."
And today her mother confronted her about a puddle of urine on the bathroom floor.
My wife: "Olivia, who peed on the floor in the bathroom?"
And in the same manner her father defended himself against interrogation in high school, Olivia said, "Maybe it was you, mom."
But we found your soiled undies in the bathroom trashcan, little girl! You're busted and you aren't going to talk or smile your way out of it!
Friday, May 19, 2006
Head Full of Suds
When I was reading about secret societies, they included a lot of essays on brainwashing and manipulation. Some guy who ended his name with PhD says he is a professional hypnotist/therapist and that he would like to implement laws to prevent the use of the tactics he uses in his profession. He says it would be useless to try this, though, because too many lawyers, government and religious agencies all currently use those methods to suit their needs. He talks about effective ways of speaking, use of lights, music, chanting, conjuring fear and guilt, sleep and food deprivation as ways to manipulate and control people. He says the worst people of all, though, are the True Believers. These are people who WANT to be told what to do. Basically, they don't want to think, they don't want to make an effort, they just want to follow some rules and be praised for it.
It's kind of like that Carrie Underwood girl from American Idol:
"Carrie, you have just attained worldwide fame and a million dollar record contract. You are the It-Girl. You can go anywhere and do anything. What do you have to say?"
"Jesus, take the wheel!"
Fantastic, Carrie. That took a lot of guts. Heaven forbid you actually BE SOMEBODY or take any responsibility for what you do. I don't think that it is a lot to ask for you to know and like yourself and to know why you do the things you do. If YOU can't do it then why would God want to know you?
Try to come up with a better answer than: "For God."
It's kind of like that Carrie Underwood girl from American Idol:
"Carrie, you have just attained worldwide fame and a million dollar record contract. You are the It-Girl. You can go anywhere and do anything. What do you have to say?"
"Jesus, take the wheel!"
Fantastic, Carrie. That took a lot of guts. Heaven forbid you actually BE SOMEBODY or take any responsibility for what you do. I don't think that it is a lot to ask for you to know and like yourself and to know why you do the things you do. If YOU can't do it then why would God want to know you?
Try to come up with a better answer than: "For God."
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Why don't those stupid idiots let me in their crappy club for jerks?
Since "The Da Vinci Code" movie is coming out this weekend, I am making another attempt to read the book. A lot of people that I know like the book. When I first tried to read it, I found it smacks badly of typical suspense. For some reason I find one-page chapters annoying and insulting. Like the author thinks I have the attention span of a... hold on, let me read this pop up. I think I just won a plasma TV. Okay, what was I saying?
Anyhoo, I WILL read the book but it may take some effort on my part. I know it's a personal problem.
But in preparation for the book, I did snoop about looking into secret societies. Becuase that is the intrigue of the book. The book claims a thousand-year-old society, Priory of Sion, included the likes of Leonardo Da Vinci, Isaac Newton and others (the Catholic church, apparently). If suspicions are correct, these people were not geniuses. They were the lucky "Grand Masters" who were credited with the wisdom passed down to them through the society.
I do know Da Vinci was kind of fruity. His "Mona Lisa" painting became famous, not because it wow-ed the crowd, but because after he painted it, Da Vinci would carry it around with him everywhere he went. To the point that people would stare and ask, "Why is that dude always carrying around that painting?" There is a rumor that the painting is a self-portrait. A portrait of how Da Vinci would look as a woman. That theory might be in the book. I haven't read it so I don't know.
From what I have read, the FreeMasons are into white and black magic as well as negotiations with alien beings. I read a story about a girl who had escaped from a Mason-run drug house, where they kept doped up kids incapacitated so they would do anything and then they pimped them out.
People seem to believe FreeMasons essentially control the world and have done so for hundreds of years. That the layout of Washington DC was designed by Masons, which is why the White House lies at the base of a pentagram (when the streets are viewed from above). Masons love their symbols. It was suggested that the Revolutionary War was even part of a movement by the Masons (Ben Franklin, Paul Revere and George Washington among them) to shake up Englands widespread rule. They also like to suggest that the pyramid and eagle seals on the US dollar are Masonic symbols. Among other things, one Mason founded the Mormon church which currently thrives and makes use of similar rituals here in Utah, and another Mason went on to found the Ku Klux Klan.
It was suggested that all religions are just retellings of previous religions, many of them with interesting links between to eachother. Stories like the origin of Christmas, which was just a Pagan Winter Solstice ceremony (celebrating the end of winter's dying and the beginning of spring's rebirth) with the antlered god, like Pan from greek mythology, removed and a baby Jesus thrown in. All the other symbols seemed to have remained. Trees, deer, Santa and such. This change was made by Romans. There was also stuff about rain being the "sperm of God" which fertilizes the Mother Earth and a bunch of stuff about mushrooms and how people used to think they were magical because they didn't realize they were reproducing by use of spores.
I also thought an explanation of the Egyptian pyramids being recreations of volcanoes (wombs of the earth; thus the root 'pyra') was interesting. They also said the Egyptian calendar begins and ends in August, which is why the Sphinx has the head of a virgin (virgo) and the body of a lion (leo). Apparently, most secret societies love the Zodiac.
There is also the "Skull and Bones" society, created at Yale in the early 1800's. In the beginning they were believed to have ties a large opium smuggling ring. In the last century, members of this group are believed to have funded our major wars as well as political candidates. John Kerry and both George Bushes are part of this society.
So I guess secret societies do rule the world. If you don't have one, you're not with it and you're going nowhere. I really don't think there are any secrets we could learn that would really change your life. We are putty in the hands of the elite, regardless of what name they go by. To watch The News, you would think any Democrat and Republican who happened to end up alone in a room together would totally duke it out. But look at Bush Sr. and Bill Clinton holding hands and skipping around the world together. Why? Because they are the winners in our society. They may disagree on some things but, to take a step back, our society will give them money, a place to live, body-guards and immortalize them for as long as we exist. They like things just as they are.
My favorite secret society is "The Management." You know when you go in a public restroom and they have those paper things to put on the toilet seat. They always say, "Provided by The Management for your protection." Those faceless people are at least out there helping people. I mean REALLY helping people.
Anyhoo, I WILL read the book but it may take some effort on my part. I know it's a personal problem.
But in preparation for the book, I did snoop about looking into secret societies. Becuase that is the intrigue of the book. The book claims a thousand-year-old society, Priory of Sion, included the likes of Leonardo Da Vinci, Isaac Newton and others (the Catholic church, apparently). If suspicions are correct, these people were not geniuses. They were the lucky "Grand Masters" who were credited with the wisdom passed down to them through the society.
I do know Da Vinci was kind of fruity. His "Mona Lisa" painting became famous, not because it wow-ed the crowd, but because after he painted it, Da Vinci would carry it around with him everywhere he went. To the point that people would stare and ask, "Why is that dude always carrying around that painting?" There is a rumor that the painting is a self-portrait. A portrait of how Da Vinci would look as a woman. That theory might be in the book. I haven't read it so I don't know.
From what I have read, the FreeMasons are into white and black magic as well as negotiations with alien beings. I read a story about a girl who had escaped from a Mason-run drug house, where they kept doped up kids incapacitated so they would do anything and then they pimped them out.
People seem to believe FreeMasons essentially control the world and have done so for hundreds of years. That the layout of Washington DC was designed by Masons, which is why the White House lies at the base of a pentagram (when the streets are viewed from above). Masons love their symbols. It was suggested that the Revolutionary War was even part of a movement by the Masons (Ben Franklin, Paul Revere and George Washington among them) to shake up Englands widespread rule. They also like to suggest that the pyramid and eagle seals on the US dollar are Masonic symbols. Among other things, one Mason founded the Mormon church which currently thrives and makes use of similar rituals here in Utah, and another Mason went on to found the Ku Klux Klan.
It was suggested that all religions are just retellings of previous religions, many of them with interesting links between to eachother. Stories like the origin of Christmas, which was just a Pagan Winter Solstice ceremony (celebrating the end of winter's dying and the beginning of spring's rebirth) with the antlered god, like Pan from greek mythology, removed and a baby Jesus thrown in. All the other symbols seemed to have remained. Trees, deer, Santa and such. This change was made by Romans. There was also stuff about rain being the "sperm of God" which fertilizes the Mother Earth and a bunch of stuff about mushrooms and how people used to think they were magical because they didn't realize they were reproducing by use of spores.
I also thought an explanation of the Egyptian pyramids being recreations of volcanoes (wombs of the earth; thus the root 'pyra') was interesting. They also said the Egyptian calendar begins and ends in August, which is why the Sphinx has the head of a virgin (virgo) and the body of a lion (leo). Apparently, most secret societies love the Zodiac.
There is also the "Skull and Bones" society, created at Yale in the early 1800's. In the beginning they were believed to have ties a large opium smuggling ring. In the last century, members of this group are believed to have funded our major wars as well as political candidates. John Kerry and both George Bushes are part of this society.
So I guess secret societies do rule the world. If you don't have one, you're not with it and you're going nowhere. I really don't think there are any secrets we could learn that would really change your life. We are putty in the hands of the elite, regardless of what name they go by. To watch The News, you would think any Democrat and Republican who happened to end up alone in a room together would totally duke it out. But look at Bush Sr. and Bill Clinton holding hands and skipping around the world together. Why? Because they are the winners in our society. They may disagree on some things but, to take a step back, our society will give them money, a place to live, body-guards and immortalize them for as long as we exist. They like things just as they are.
My favorite secret society is "The Management." You know when you go in a public restroom and they have those paper things to put on the toilet seat. They always say, "Provided by The Management for your protection." Those faceless people are at least out there helping people. I mean REALLY helping people.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Refrigerator Real Estate
Maybe I'm just a little stressed lately, but tonight I came home from the store with drinks like juice, milk, Gatorade and such and almost swore when I looked at the food stuff on the tall top shelf of our refrigerator. That's the most valuable real estate in the fridge. Get out whipped cream! Get out old spaghetti sauce! Where did this ziploc bag of pasta even come from?
It's hot outside and I'm all about the drinks.
It's hot outside and I'm all about the drinks.
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Dr. Hottest-Thing-On-Skates
Another show that died before its time: Dr. Katz. Season one is out on DVD. Examples of what made me laugh:Asking his unemployed son about his plans for the night:
Well, I have plans. They're just not that complicated. You know... take a shower... clean up. Just lie on my bed... feeling clean.
About clothes shopping with a friend. Specifically, for overalls:
"What goes with this?"
"Uh, I don't know. They're overalls. I guess a banjo. I know what doesn't go with it: Jobs and women."
About watching an opera:
"Look how much work it takes to bore ME."
Perspective between men and women:
"Women will always say, 'we look at guys sexually, too.'Women have no idea. They have no clue what-so-ever. It's like the difference between shooting a bullet and throwing it. If women had any idea, even for a second, of how men really look at them... they would never stop slapping us."
Jerk at 3
I really do try hard not to fill my blog with gossip about the freaky people I meet everyday but this scene just cracked me up when I got home tonight.This 3-year-old is one of the wild kids from next door. One prime indicator that you are a bad parent: YOUR KID HAS A MULLET.
Earlier today, this kid took the gardening tools we gave our daughter for her birthday and threw them in a nearby irrigation canal. When I retrieved the tools from the water he came up to me and said, "Ha, ha. Your shoes are wet." Then he stuck out his tongue and yelled, "You can't catch me. You can't catch me." I could have caught him, of course, but I wanted to give him every opportunity to run far, far away. I told my kids to stop playing with the neighbors.
Later, I heard Ethan crying in the driveway. He told me the 3-year-old had punched him in the eye. He wasn't crying because he was hurt. He was crying because he wanted justice. But I reminded him that I had told him to stop playing with those kids earlier in the day.
While I was having this talk with Ethan, my wife was breaking up a fight between our daughter and the neighbor-boy, again, over the gardening tools. When my wife pulled the shovel out of their hands, the 3-year-old boy stuck his tongue out at her and then flipped her off. She told him to go home and started laughing about the finger gesture. Just to make good and sure, the 3-year-old boy turned and flipped her off again as he was walking home.
Tonight, he was just hanging out in his moon-boots. What fate is worse: A little jerk becoming a big jerk? Or a little jerk becoming road kill?
I'll think about it for a day. Seeing his dad smacking him in the yard isn't any consolation. Yesterday, my kids were eating popsicles on our front steps when one of the neighbor boys jumped from a moving car, TWICE, in order to avoid seeing "Nanny McPhee" at the dollar theaters with his family.
The day I move cannot come soon enough.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Look at the Size of that Tan
Have you ever watched an old Western or Adventure movie and, while the heroes are killing off the natives, some small part of you is thinking: "I wish I had skin pigmentation more like those technocolored non-christians."
If so, there is a business in our neighborhood that may suit your needs. It's called "Savage Tan."
Maybe it's not the look you are after, though. Maybe you like the feeling. Maybe long winters give you an inkling to wrap yourself in aluminum foil and cook yourself at 350 degrees for 45 minutes. And maybe you are a vampire who doesn't like sunlight.
If so, there is a business in our neighborhood to suit your needs, too. It's another tanning salon called "Bake in the Dark."
These businesses may have the market cornered on appealing to your deepest desires, but I think they could take it a step further. If people are accepting of those salon names then surely people could accept a name like "The Tumor Garden" or "Face Like a Weather-Beaten Wallet."
My Friend, Gordon, is excited for the release of a "tanning pill" that has been in development for years now. All the color without the skin disease. He says researchers have also noted side-effects of weight-loss and increased labido. It sounds way better than some lightbulb bed in a stripmall. Hopefully it will be approved for use soon and put the lame-o's out of business.
If so, there is a business in our neighborhood that may suit your needs. It's called "Savage Tan."
Maybe it's not the look you are after, though. Maybe you like the feeling. Maybe long winters give you an inkling to wrap yourself in aluminum foil and cook yourself at 350 degrees for 45 minutes. And maybe you are a vampire who doesn't like sunlight.
If so, there is a business in our neighborhood to suit your needs, too. It's another tanning salon called "Bake in the Dark."
These businesses may have the market cornered on appealing to your deepest desires, but I think they could take it a step further. If people are accepting of those salon names then surely people could accept a name like "The Tumor Garden" or "Face Like a Weather-Beaten Wallet."
My Friend, Gordon, is excited for the release of a "tanning pill" that has been in development for years now. All the color without the skin disease. He says researchers have also noted side-effects of weight-loss and increased labido. It sounds way better than some lightbulb bed in a stripmall. Hopefully it will be approved for use soon and put the lame-o's out of business.
Golden Kid Gloves
I knew I had it in me. I was watching my kids this morning and I had another one of those selfish experiences where I wanted to eat breakfast so I cooked some french toast.
Our 10 month old was sitting on the couch and I was nearby on the loveseat eating off a paper plate. I saw our baby move closer to the edge and he sat teetering for a moment like Humpty Dumpty. Then he pitched forward and looked to land directly on his head. Without hesitating I thrust myself off the loveseat and slid across the floor like an allstar outfielder. I've got roadrash on my knee and elbow but I was able to get my hand under the boy before he hit the floor. My french toast went everywhere.
Even though I saved him from a rough landing, he decided to cry for awhile anyway. It was redeeming though, after I had to stand there like a dunce when my daughter went rolling into the bog. I had the same impulse then but my brain quickly killed it, informing me, "This isn't a pile of french toast... it's a baby. You stay put."
I think I would do well if I had time to play on a sports team.
In other Sports news... Ethan did well in T-ball this week. It was the first week his coach actually pitched it to him in a game and he smacked it to third base on the first swing. When he was on base, I saw him talking to the opposing teams second baseman: a girl with a pink glove.
I asked him what they talked about. He said, "She's a Shark. I told her we are The Rockies... because we rock."
He's already smoother than his dad.
Our 10 month old was sitting on the couch and I was nearby on the loveseat eating off a paper plate. I saw our baby move closer to the edge and he sat teetering for a moment like Humpty Dumpty. Then he pitched forward and looked to land directly on his head. Without hesitating I thrust myself off the loveseat and slid across the floor like an allstar outfielder. I've got roadrash on my knee and elbow but I was able to get my hand under the boy before he hit the floor. My french toast went everywhere.
Even though I saved him from a rough landing, he decided to cry for awhile anyway. It was redeeming though, after I had to stand there like a dunce when my daughter went rolling into the bog. I had the same impulse then but my brain quickly killed it, informing me, "This isn't a pile of french toast... it's a baby. You stay put."
I think I would do well if I had time to play on a sports team.
In other Sports news... Ethan did well in T-ball this week. It was the first week his coach actually pitched it to him in a game and he smacked it to third base on the first swing. When he was on base, I saw him talking to the opposing teams second baseman: a girl with a pink glove.
I asked him what they talked about. He said, "She's a Shark. I told her we are The Rockies... because we rock."
He's already smoother than his dad.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
The trick is only pick on those that can't do you no harm, like the drummer from Def Leppard's only got one arm
This piece of art is a collaboration by the two older kids. They brought it to their parents, smiling, and said: It's a Nerd Whale.
I think the circle around the eye is supposed to represent the whale's glasses.
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